Stimulant Summer couldn't be off to a better start for this little blogger. My psych doctor gave me the green light to ask my physician about ADHD meds--something I've waited a lifetime to do. Why? Fear of being labeled a drug-seeker or just not knowing how to go about it. Insecurity. It's not everyday a grown-ass woman with no outward signs of hyperactivity walks into a clinic and talks about these things with her family doctor. It feels awkward. I've seen my physician for everything from weird rashes to ear infections to other embarrassing conditions I'd rather not get into here, but for some reason ADHD was off limits. It's still thought of as a condition of hyper little boys in classrooms, not shy adult women in mid-life. That's precisely why so many women go undiagnosed with ADHD, autism and other developmental disorders though--we present differently and have a hard time asking for help, thus don't get "clocked" by parents, teachers or medical professionals as often. A vicious cycle.
Better late than never though.
To compound the problem, we're in the middle of an opioid (and meth where I live) epidemic, making the anti-drug attitudes in the medical industry more severe. Even before things reached a fever pitch I saw how friends were treated when seeking help for anxiety or ADHD, being forced to undergo recurring urine screens or put on less effective meds that made things WORSE until they just gave up. These weren't drug-seeking types but upstanding, contributing members of society... so what chance have I got? Just kidding. Kinda.
It took my psych doctor over 3 years to get comfortable with the idea of giving me his blessing about taking these meds--using the names of stimulants like Adderall & Dexedrine by name--and now I have to jump through the same hoops with a physician, hoping it goes faster with him. But it's SOMETHING. A ray of hope in a life that's fallen so far off track I could write a book about it. If I had the focus or motivation, that is. Bathing twice a week and vacuuming my room once every 3 months are the degree of symptoms I'm dealing with here, and they're not helped by the 20+ other psych meds I've tried, nor therapy. ADD is undoubtedly a factor but lethargic depression and other things that are helped immensely by a stimulant play just as big a role.
Getting a stimulant prescription would allow me to throw the Benzedrex in the trash permanently--a substance I've used daily in small doses for 9 years with no idea how it affects my cardiovascular health. There are no studies on oral propylhexedrine's effects in the long-term. It's impossible to dose accurately and expensive. No telling how much money I've spent on these nasty inhalers that smell like menthol and unwashed vagina. In addition, I could see myself relegating my codeine use to the evenings and just sticking to uppers in the daytime if given the right medication. This would be my ideal dosing schedule:
Morning: Stimulant pill (regular dose)
Afternoon: Stimulant pill (microdose), cannabis - smoked
Evening: Stimulant pill (microdose), codeine
Night: Codeine, cannabis - edible
Right now I take codeine from morning to bedtime along with Benzedrex all day until 5 p.m. Not ideal. My liver must be stressed from the acetaminophen in the codeine tabs and I could benefit from lowering my tolerance. And, let's be real: a clearer head in general would be nice. And stimulant meds could provide that in spades. It's the missing puzzle piece I've longed for forever, trying desperately to replace low dopamine with anything that crosses my path. A little piece of Schedule II magic in pill form.
Despite my general enthusiasm, I'm a microdoser when it comes to stimulants. Even 10mg of Adderall at once would make my heart uncomfortable so I'd break that into smaller doses and take it over the course of the day. As with weed, my tolerance stays low with stims over time & too much is not pleasant so the risk of abuse is incredibly low, though I did go through some wild periods with empathogens like 4-FA & mephedrone in my 20's. Those were highly addictive and "more-ish" where I don't find plain amphetamine to be.
So yeah, my Stimulant Summer is off to a promising start. Will keep you posted.
Update: Doctor's appointment made to discuss "ADHD meds" (my words on the phone to assistant). Will know more by end of the month. Stay tuned.