"Happiness is a Choice" and Other Lies

This is a common mantra bandied about by people who lay the blame for unhappiness squarely at the feet of the people experiencing it.  But is it true?  Of course it CAN be--at least on the surface:  we've all known assholes who have everything and still choose to complain.  But that's just the thing.  We can only judge people's behavior, not what they're feeling on the inside:  their past trauma, quiet struggles, secret shame or other factors that might be contributing to their unhappiness.  

And sometimes that "unhappiness" is actually clinical depression.

And when that's the case, your "happiness is a choice" comment comes off as an ableist insult.  Now I hate terms like "ableist" as much as the next cynical Xennial; I find it whiny & overly precious.  But in this case it fits.  There's still so much stigma & ignorance attached to things like depression & anxiety that people don't even realize they're spouting hate when they make comments like this.  As miserable as it is to be around someone who complains all the time, is irritable, has an Eeyore personality or lacks the energy and ambition to keep up with their peers, it feels 100x worse to the person experiencing it.  Read that again.  

Don't be these people.

There's a surprising variety of depression types, the big ones being bipolar and unipolar.  These are then split into many sub-types:  Bipolar I & II, Cyclothymia, Dysthymia, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Major Depression, Atypical Depression, Postpartum Depression, Double Depression, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and more.  All of these have different symptoms & severities, with some having opposite symptoms like insomnia vs. hypersomnia or weight loss vs. weight gain.  Despite progress in treatment in the late 20th Century, most medications fall woefully short of truly treating the more serious varieties, hence the recent excitement about ketamine & psychedelic therapy.  

As someone with treatment-resistant depression who's tried 24 different medications to no avail, I'll do my best to describe how MY particular depression feels:  I don't cry weekly or even monthly.  I'm not lonely despite spending 90% of my time alone.  I don't feel "sad" in the typical sense.  What I do feel is pessimistic, cynical & apathetic about life as a human being on Earth.  I'm capable of feeling excited & joyful but it takes a helluva lot more to get me there than the average person.  I'd need to win the lottery every day to experience the same level of excitement, contentment, joy & happiness as most people feel from things like "date night," "a job well done at work" or "a walk in the park on a beautiful day".  My highs are lower and my lows are lower than a non-depressed person.  My depression comes with an overwhelming sense of boredom no matter whether I'm sitting on my ass doing nothing, being productive as hell or doing a hobby I enjoy.  I feel tired all the time.  

And for those tempted to blame things like negative self-talk or an "ungrateful attitude," it's not that.  I've been in therapy for years, spent hours journaling & reflecting, doing mindfulness meditation to be more present in the moment.  None of it works for the depression.  Anxiety, sure.  I remember what true joy felt like before my depression set in as a child--sometimes I get brief glimpses of it on a car ride or while doing some random thing & it's like a flashback to a different lifetime.  ("Ahh yes, I remember enjoying things!")  This tells me with 100% certainty that my problem is not my "mindset" but a biochemical imbalance & potentially a brain wiring issue.  I don't pretend to know how these things work.  But it's something biological rather than anything I can control with my thoughts/actions.  This was further confirmed when I felt BETTER after sustaining a concussion.  It was the least depressed I'd been in my adult life, but eventually the benefits faded just like so many other treatments that have worked in the past.  

Harmful Societal Beliefs

If you've ever wondered how you can help someone suffering from mental illness, here's what you can do.  Simply stop making assumptions based on the person's behavior.  Depression manifests as an inability to keep up with things like exercise, personal hygiene, a healthy diet & a social life: the very things people tend to BLAME for causing depression.  "If only you'd go outside more, you'd feel so much better!"  "Why don't you try some vigorous exercise?  Get the endorphins flowing?"  While not technically untrue, these things aren't the cause of clinical depression and are unbelievably hard for someone with the condition due to its effect on energy, motivation & stamina.  They are, at best, a temporary Band-Aid that distracts from it.  Not a cure or even an FDA-approved treatment.  You're confusing the symptoms of depression with the cause.  

The belief that sick people--whether they're sick mentally or physically--could be well if only they'd try harder is beyond cruel and harmful.  Not to mention completely false.  You see it in alternative health circles, autoimmune disease groups & of course among those battling mental illness & addiction.  It's always good to control the things you can control, obviously.  But along with that comes the responsibility to name & acknowledge the things you can't.  We all have limits, and while it may make you feel better to victim-blame, it makes the actual victim feel infinitely worse.  They begin blaming themselves for not improving despite their best efforts which is like salt in a gaping wound.  Just be glad you've never been in their shoes.  Even if you've been depressed or had the same illness or whatever, you've never walked in their exact shoes & can't know how they feel.  It's not a pissing contest, this life.  

Which brings us back to the original question:  Is happiness a choice?  Gratitude is a choice, but being grateful isn't the same as being truly happy.  Kurt Cobain alluded to this in his suicide note ("I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it--and I do, God, believe me I do--but it's not enough").  And with gratitude comes the realization that so many other people in this world are suffering worse than you are, which is depressing in itself.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that continuing to live, be kind to people & be grateful is a choice but true happiness is not.  So please let this harmful myth die.