On Love & Limerence

I learned a new word today that I'm surprised I didn't know before now:  limerence.  When I type it out, my spell check tells me it's not a word, so I had to double check with Google and, yep.  It's a word.  The definition is:  

"a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense desire."

Anyone who has ADHD or autism likely knows exactly what this feeling is and how intensely it can grip one's mind.  Limerence can be a source of pleasure, sure, but it can also cause problems if it spills out into the real world and starts interfering with everyday functioning & causes real relationship problems.  In other words, as long as these feelings stay confined to the inside of your mind it's all good... for the most part.  But once they become public you start to seem creepy.  And worse, if your obsession starts to become stalking/controlling behavior or unwanted advances, it's a crime.  Unrequited love is painful but you have to learn to deal with it.  There's someone out there who WILL love you back as much as you love them but you can't force it.  

But that's the extreme side of limerence.  The more common form is the "is this love or lust?" type.  For those having a difficult time telling whether their crush or infatuated relationship feelings are actually love, here's a general rundown of the differences.  Love is unconditional, patient & steady over time.  It remains through life's storms but evolves in intensity over time unlike limerence which is unnaturally intense & puts the object of one's desire on a pedestal, hyperfocusing on their positive attributes & downplaying their flaws.  Love gives your mind room to breathe; limerence is suffocating.  It's all-consuming & overpowering, taking up all of your thoughts & daydreams.  

Depending on the situation, limerence can be a normal result of the pleasure chemicals that signal a new relationship, but it can also be a more ominous maladaptive coping mechanism resulting from childhood trauma.  If the feeling happens at the beginning of a real relationship or with a crush who has shown mutual interest, it's the former.  If with a celebrity/person you've never met or someone who doesn't know you're alive, the latter is more likely.  The latter type is the kind you need to watch out for, though both can be red flags if they happen often or interfere with your ability to function.  

With the advent of social media & the internet, fans have increasingly developed one-way parasocial relationships with their favorite celebrities that are in some instances driven by limerence.  The fan is infatuated with the public image of the celebrity, putting them on a pedestal & developing a full-blown imaginary relationship with them to the point they get angry & possessive if anyone else is perceived to have insulted or overstepped their boundaries with said person.  Arguments, online bullying & doxxing have been reported among fans of celebs like Nicki Minaj ("the Barbz") & Beyonce ("the Beyhive") against anyone who commits a perceived slight against their hero.  Behavior like this is highly toxic & leaves little room for real, healthy relationships with people who return the person's affection.  (Or even know they exist).  

But that's a feature of limerence, not a bug.

People who get sucked into these one-way parasocial relationships often have low self-esteem & commitment issues, believing no real person would ever find them worthy of their affection long-term.  Thankfully, very few adults over 35 fall into these extreme behaviors and if they do, they tend to have serious personality disorders or other unresolved issues.  The parasocial relationship game is mostly one for teens & younger adults.  It's a form of escapism that provides a feeling of power & purpose in what might otherwise be a stressful, lackluster life.  

But to a lesser degree, people who invest this much energy into real people in their lives who aren't returning their affection are doing the same thing.  Life is too short to obsess over imaginary loves & one-way relationships, especially when the real thing is out there somewhere.  There really is somebody for everybody.  You just have to make yourself fully available & put your best foot forward, which might mean going to therapy, spending time single getting to know what you really want in a partner, traveling & seeing the world or soul searching in some other way.  The best things come to us when we're not looking, which is a nice way of saying "desperation is palpable & not a good look, boo-boo"  😅  

Sincerely,

Your Friendly Almost-40 Single Cat Lady

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