On the Topic of Red Flags

My friends and I were discussing relationship RED FLAGS recently and it turned into a lively 2 hour discussion.  The waitress had to kindly shoo us out of the restaurant because we lost track of time & they were closing.  😄   While there are a lot of obvious answers to this question (track marks, verbal abuse, being a Chris Brown fan), my answer was a bit less so and comes from dealing exclusively with women romantically:  

Serial monogamy, aka refusal to be single for any length of time between relationships.  While admittedly not ideal, why would this be negative enough to constitute a red flag?  

1.)  (In)Fidelity.  Anyone who hops from one relationship straight into the next was not exclusively devoted to their previous partner for at least some of their time together.  They're going through each relationship putting their eggs in multiple baskets, keeping an eye out for their next prospect at the 1st sign of unhappiness or boredom (and maybe before that point).  While many people only consider physical acts to be cheating, it always begins in the mind with emotional infidelity and a mental disconnect from your partner.  Flirting, "work spouses" & forming inappropriate emotional bonds with people who aren't your partner can be every bit as bond-destroying as a one-night stand with a stranger--sometimes more so.  Plus it's physically impossible to devote equal time & attention to two people at once so these "harmless" crushes & flirtations are a betrayal & always hurt the relationship in the end.

2.)  Codependence/Fear of Being Alone.  Secondly, anyone who refuses to be single is doing so for a reason and almost never a healthy one.  Aversion to contemplating their contribution to the previous relationship's demise, having to support themselves financially, needing constant validation/attention or simply refusing to sit alone with their own thoughts is a PROBLEM & likely signals big issues with codependency.  After a relationship ends, we need time to grieve it's conclusion and think about what we truly want in a future partner--not what society tells us we SHOULD want but the things that are important to us.  We also need to see firsthand that we can thrive on our own, and that other types of relationships--friends, family, co-workers, roommates, therapists & acquaintances--are just as important as romantic relationships.  Failure to do so can cause us to put too much pressure on our next partner to fulfill all these roles which is a recipe for disaster.  Also:  "Alone" does not necessarily = lonely.  Loneliness is an emotion that can occur unexpectedly at any time.  Some of the times I've felt the most lonely were in large crowds when there was no connection or the energy was off.  'Alone' can also mean solitude, peace, freedom, strength, space for creativity, self-discovery, structure & new beginnings.  It's all in how you choose to use the time.  

3.)  Not Knowing Thyself.  Another huge issue with never being single is that it's impossible to self-actualize or even know who the hell you are if you're always half of a couple.  Try as we might, we all lose a bit of our individuality when we enter committed relationships, taking on some of the mannerisms, likes and dislikes and the daily habits of our significant other.  It's only natural & largely subconscious.  This becomes even more of an issue in cohabitation or marriage.  It's not necessarily bad as relationships require cooperation & a healthy balance of give-and-take, but if you're never single you spend your entire adult life in this cycle of adopting the characteristics of other people without developing your own personality.  Solitude is vital for creativity as well--I never would've started this blog or my other side projects if I had a partner demanding my attention all the time.  Deeply understanding your own values, goals, beliefs, preferences & shortcomings is vital for a healthy psyche and balanced life, plus you fucking deserve to know who you truly are independent of other people.  It's one of the few cool parts of adulthood.  Very few.  

4.)  Settling/Incompatibility/Dishonesty.  Finally and perhaps most red flaggy, relationship hoppers are constantly settling for Ms. or Mr. Right Now to avoid being alone, and when you do that, you end up with partners who are less than compatible... to put it mildly.  The result is a drive to turn them into Ms. or Mr. Right by changing core aspects of who they are--a venture that's both cruel & doomed to fail.  When it inevitably does & resentment builds up but the poor sap has no idea WHY, you quietly begin looking for another partner with the desired traits who will return your affection, staying in the dead-in-the-water relationship in the meantime.  (See Point #1).  All the while you continue stringing your current partner along through this relationship purgatory & wasting precious years of their life by making them think you have a future together.  THIS IS COWARDLY & WRONG.  You should leave a dead relationship the minute you realize it's over, not when the next lifeboat comes along which could be months or years.  The saying "you can't get OVER somebody until you get UNDER somebody new" is truly vile and very telling in regards to how many folks (particularly women) have this mindset.  

If you've ever been with someone who had another love interest lined up the minute they left you, rest assured they were "talking to" them (aka committing emotional and/or physical infidelity) while they were still with you.  Perhaps your only consolation is that it has nothing to do with you and is just their maladaptive attachment style.  Also:  if they'll do it with their new boo they'll do it to them.  Nacho problem anymore.




Bottom Line

It really do be like that sometimes.

It hurts like hell when a relationship ends and you have to deal with that pain alone, and it can be scary doing life by yourself.  But the growth & freedom you'll experience is unlike anything you can ever replicate in a relationship.  Relationship-hopping is escapism--using the all-consuming high of a new relationship to avoid thinking about the one that just ended (or to avoid adulting alone in general).  All I can say is good luck with that.  There will come a time when you have to be alone; when everyone's busy, unavailable, dead or gone.  What then?  Plus, it's impossible to evaluate a new potential partner for compatibility & spot any possible red flags in them when your head is clouded with the problems of your current or recently-ended relationship.  All you're doing is ensuring another ill-fated relationship. 

Anyone who's uncomfortable to such a degree with their own company is likely repressing some heavy shit or avoiding thinking about something bad they did to someone else in the past.  And you can't run forever.  It will all come out in the wash eventually.  Being single gives you time to work on yourself, and some of you SHOULD be doing that (looking at you, Cluster B's).  Learning to be comfortable alone is a vital part of growing up and being an autonomous adult.  Despite whatever weird pet names you call each other in the bedroom, your partner is not your mommy or daddy & treating them as such is a dynamic that's destined to end poorly.  (Or maybe in the poor house).    

If your crush/love interest just got out of a long-term relationship (or is still in one but "in the process of leaving") and is coming on strong, ask more questions.  Find out when they were last single & what their longest run of singledom was if possible.  You don't wanna be a rebound or side-piece obvs, but all of the above are also legit reasons to be wary of committing to these types in a long-term relationship.  While the thought that they'd leave for you is flattering, it says more about them than you.  You're not special; it's probably a pattern.  And as stated before, if they'll do it with you they'll do it to you.  Is that really something you want to worry about/deal with in a relationship?

To quote one of my besties:  "I'd rather die alone in a room surrounded by CATS than suffer these fools!"  And that, dear readers, is why we're friends.   💞

So anyway, that's my relationship 🚩 and maybe just a red flag for people in general.  Love to hear yours!