My Self-Care Looks Like...

 ...being true to myself in regards to my sexual orientation despite the hardships it has brought into my life.  And there are many. 

I knew I was gay (not bisexual, "curious" or any other orientation that would've allowed me to feign normalcy) at puberty.  And since I was already the black sheep of the family, I wanted nothing more than for it not to be true.  I grew up in a place and time that can be compared to the 1950's South in many ways (racism, sexism, homophobia)--certainly not the LGBTQIA2S+xyz positive world of today.  So I spent many a night praying, crying and begging God to change me.  And I admit, I still haven't "come out" and don't openly announce when I'm in a relationship--nobody I went to elementary/high school with officially knows I'm gay.  My close family & friends know, though not by my own doing. 

As a teen I had no intention of ever telling my family, but I was outed by my mom at 15, resulting in a domino effect of shitty events that ended with me being cut off financially mid-way through college by my extremely religious grandparents when I moved a half-block off campus with my girlfriend (who I only ever introduced as my "friend").  Mind you my grades were fine, I was engaged in a healthy extracurricular activity for the first time, had real FRIENDS for the first time since elementary school...  I was actually happy after a nightmarish high school experience and 2 years of living in the rapey, meningitis-infested dorms that neither my cousins nor my sister ever had to live in.  And I was being punished for something I had no control over.  The rules were always different for me but this was especially tough to swallow.

Oh yeah, this was after my grandma tried to set me up with my 2nd cousin.  (Say what?!  Yeah.  It was only recently I realized just how closely the kid is related to me and YIKES).  🫣  I once went to church with my grandparents on Easter Sunday and the entire 2-hour sermon was a hellfire and brimstone anti-gay marriage rant...  on the day Jesus rose from the grave--one of if not THEE most joyous holidays in the Christian calendar.  There were no more than 9 or 10 people in this tiny church that day so I definitely felt the sermon was directed at me.  I nodded, "amen'd" and clapped along in agreement to everything the pastor said:  I can do "crazy" with the best of 'em.  As a theatre nerd, acting was kinda my forte--but the minute I walked out the door I made a silent promise to myself that the next time I entered a church I would be carried by 6 people wearing all-black & singing sad songs.  

Keepin' it real:  not easy but necessary.

Through all this I maintained a loving relationship with my grandparents.  I understood they were in a cult--that my grandma was one of the smartest, most loving people in my family & had done more for me than my own parents in many regards.  I wouldn't have graduated high school if not for her.  She was the first person in my immediate family to even get a college degree.  It's my mother I can't forgive for outing me to a family member she claimed to hate & for snooping through my private journals.  Different rant for a different day.

Anyway, fast forward a decade or so and my grandma eventually came around, sending my partner (now my ex after leaving me for a man to start a nice little hetero family) a personalized Christmas check in our card every year like she did all the other grandkids' spouses--a silent acknowledgement of our relationship.  She's even playfully asked me if various guys were 'gay' while people-watching at the mall because obviously I have the gaydar.  I attribute this to the fact that I never pushed the issue or was obnoxious about it, just being the same person I always was & not giving any ultimatums or the like.  Where I'm from, bringing public shame upon your family by being different or "weird" is honestly the biggest sin there is.  When asked about my partner I'd talk about her but never AS my partner.  Sometimes I'd even bring her to their house just to drop by and say 'hi'.  When asked if gay marriage was legal in my state, "I don't know" was my (honest) answer.  

I may have never pushed it on anyone, but at the same time I have always refused to live a fake life, marrying a man and wasting my one go-round on this planet playing pretend house just for optics.  Because even if I did, they'd find something else to take issue with.  I've seen them criticize & tear down my sister and others for a helluva lot less.  It comes with the territory of being female in a supremely sexist region.  The same applies to being childfree by choice--this decision has drawn criticism from loved ones and even total strangers who seem almost offended that I'm making a different life choice than them.  

It straight up ended my relationship of 12 years when my partner decided she HAD to have a kid around age 40 after her sister had one.  I loved her and truly thought we'd be together forever, not to mention having literal nightmares about ever returning to live in my home state.... let alone my parents' house.  Yet I refused to do something so life-altering when my heart wasn't in it and I knew I wasn't capable of giving a child the life they deserved.   And I'd make that decision a hundred times over, as hard as it was. 

The Labrys (lesbian flag)

Short Story Long

While you can't force people to accept or embrace everything you do, you also can't live to please others.  Trying to is a losing game because they'll always find something to nitpick or judge and then none of you will be happy.  If you live your truth, the ones who truly love you will come around eventually & those who care more about appearances or control will die on that hill.  Their loss. 

And that's maybe one of the most important "self-care" tips I can give:  that living for yourself is not "selfish," it's the bare minimum requirement for living an honest, self-actualized life of integrity.  You can't make others happy unless you are, nor can you fulfill your life's purpose while living as someone else.  Your 'help' & advice will come across as hypocritical because you're living a lie.  Authenticity must be the foundation for every other success in your life.  That means YOU must pick your career path, life partner (if you should have one), place of residence, college (if you should attend), major, friends, investments, reproductive choices & other consequential life decisions.  Not your parents, religious leaders, community or anyone else.  You.  Because at the end of each day it's you who will be stuck living with those decisions. 

And back to the "their loss" thing:  you have to get to a point of truly believing that with your whole heart.  If someone who claims to care about you refuses to love the REAL you or requires you to put on airs around them, is that the kind of person you even want in your corner?  Relationships require cooperation, give/take and compromise.  Sometimes you have to meet people in the middle--other times you must meet people where they are.  But you can't always be the one who makes the long trek to their side of the issue or who folds on matters of immense personal significance.  This is one time where your loved ones must meet YOU where you are. 

Basically, you have to get to a place of not letting the fickle opinions of others shake your confidence or self-image, and that applies to a lot more than just sexual orientation.  Opinions are like assholes: everybody's got one & they all stink but everyone thinks THEIRS smells like roses.  There's no reason your opinion on your life should count for less than that of someone else, be it your mother, your preacher or the Pope.  You are the expert on your own life if nothing else in this world, and you have to call the shots (assuming you're 18+ & of relatively sound mind).  When their own goading fails, they'll pull out the God card, the disowned/out-of-the-will card and anything else they can think of to scare you into doing what they want, but you can't fall for it.  To do so is to hand over control of your life, identity & very soul to another mortal, fallible human.  Give them as much time & space as they need to come to terms with it, but never compromise your integrity in your own life.  You don't have to rub it in their faces or be a right-fighter, but you must live your truth in private if nothing else.  And in the meantime surround yourself with as many accepting people as you can to form a strong support network.  

I now see pushing boundaries & "enlightening" the closed-minded in my circle (by example, not preaching) as part of my life purpose, as egotistical as that sounds.  I've been doing it since I was little in many ways if I really think about it.  It's very gratifying to see the opinion/acceptance needle move in your family and know it's because of you, as you're the only gay/autistic/leftist/feminist/agnostic/whatever person they know.  It can be a lonely existence, but you gotta find the bright spots where you can.  Being the Black sheep in a very white family can't be all baa-aad.  (Sorry).  🖤🕯🐑