My Self-Care Looks Like...

 ...choosing potential partners based on a mutual emotional connection, sexual chemistry, true compatibility & romantic love, not practical reasons like what society says I should want in a partner or superficial shit like $$$.  

This'll be a short one.  

It's pretty simple:  you can't come at love like an accountant balancing a budget or a scientist attacking a logic problem.  If you do, you can expect to end up in a suffocating financial arrangement and a neverending battle of wills rather than a mutually satisfying union between compatible equals.  No amount of number-crunching or pre-planning can prepare you for something that is by nature entirely spontaneous.  Even saying "I want to be married by 26, own a home by 28 & have my first baby by 29" is setting yourself up for--at best--failure to meet those deadlines and--at worst--rushing into a lifetime commitment to Mr(s). Right Now who then gets roped into becoming something much more significant:  your spouse and baby's parent.  The latter of which you can't take back.  

Love doesn't give a damn about your deadlines or wish lists.  What looks ideal on paper can be a nightmare in reality & vice versa.  If you're the type who sits around making "lists" of superficial qualities your ideal lover should have, stop that.  It's limiting, unrealistic & almost ensures you'll never find what you're REALLY looking for because, for one thing, the person in those lists only exists in your mind.   He or she is not real.  Divinely-inspired, spiritually elevating love is spontaneous--it sneaks up on us when we least expect it and comes in all different shades of wrapping paper that rarely look like we imagined in our little non-psychic heads.  That's because the love-connection resides in the souls of other people, not their sleek exterior or net worth.  It's also not hiding in their "good genes," their inheritance or 401k.  Or whatever other superficial thing you think is a must-have on your little sophomoric "list". 

Because while you may want those things initially, none of it counts for shit when the kids are out of the nest and it's just the two of you with decades of emotional baggage in that big empty house, nothing in common but years of built up resentment that's now bubbling up to the surface with no buffer.  A "good family name" or hot body won't help when your partner develops a crippling gambling addiction or drinking problem & blows through your retirement funds & now owes the bank money.  And that superficial list will be the farthest thing from your mind when you're diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer & the only thing in this whole goddamned world you crave is a partner who will hug you like a koala and protect you from the danger in that radioactive room like your parents were supposed to protect you as a child...  Someone who can at least feign basic human warmth & emotion. 

But you wanted financial security & physical attractiveness--a life that LOOKED more impressive than it felt.  Remember?  Wealth/beauty rarely reside in the same vessel as compassion/selflessness, and why should they? 

Makes a nice wishlist to Santa but nearly useless in long-term adult relationships meant to weather life's storms.

Standards vs. Superficial Requirements

That's not to say you should settle.   Just the opposite.  STANDARDS are a necessity; superficial requirements & nitpicky complaints are a hindrance.  Examples of standards include:  "respects women," "kind to wait staff & janitors," "loves animals," "does not believe in corporal punishment" & "isn't racist".  Examples of superficial requirements = "at least 5'7", "makes at least $100,000 per year," "hasn't slept with more than 5 guys," "has a 401k" & "not Jewish".   🙄

Hopefully you see the difference.  And yes, you can do whatever you want.  It's your life.  But believe me when I say the ego-driven, shallow requirements listed above will lead to nothing but weak connections with wack people who won't be there for the hard times... and if they are, you may wish they'd just leave.   Not only is it futile to try and plan out something as cosmic as soulmate love, you're liable to miss the real thing when it comes calling if you're looking in the wrong places or chasing the same dead end connections on a loop. 



Why Can't We Have It All?

Because this is real life, and life is all about give & take.  Sacrifice.  It's fine to play the Powerball lotto, but don't spend your monthly earnings as if you'd already won it.  Same thing applies here. 

People with naturally good looks, generational wealth or fame don't have to develop a personality or intellect to be popular, often skating by on their looks and money for--gasp!--most of their lives.  In fact, they often milk these traits to take advantage of others, eventually becoming full-blown narcissists or sociopaths due to a lifetime of enabling by parents, teachers, religious leaders, coaches & others in the community.  In other words, they think they're hot shit & treat others like they're not shit.  This isn't always the case, but it certainly is more common than the opposite scenario of the wealthy, beautiful empath who gives their free time to charity by choice.  

And more bad news:  these types tend to really circle the drain in old age.  While even severe mental illnesses often improve in the Golden Years, narcissistic types who depended on being the youngest, strongest, fittest, prettiest, smartest, thinnest, WHATEVEREST person in the room all their lives are now facing a crisis:  their own mortality.  The decaying of these superficial traits in real time, plus the fact that they haven't developed any real endearing personal qualities like their peers.  This often leaves them isolated, bitter & occasionally dangerous.  You've been warned.

When hard times come for you & your union--as they do for everyone eventually--what really matters is the strength of your initial bond & the promises you made, your ability to communicate & your willingness to lean on each other & not go outside the relationship for your emotional or physical needs, be they sex or just someone to hold your hand and rock you like a baby after chemo.  💛

...not to mention selling their literal BODY.

To summarize, you have two options: 

Option #1:  Natural, spontaneous, soulmate love.  Full of deja Vu, coincidences & eerie dream-like events.  This option involves building a genuinely fulfilling life with your best friend whom you also just "happen" to be wildly physically attracted to.  Relationships are based on shared interests, compatibility & mutual respect rather than what they can give or do for you.

Option #2:  Calculated, predictable, controlled unions.  No more "magical" than shopping for groceries from a list.  This option requires rolling the dice by starting a life with someone who is perfect on paper:  an attractive face/chiseled body, good family name, a big bank account/sprawling mansion, great career, etc.  Then hoping beyond hope they're not a reprehensible human being in every other possible way.  Just know the odds are not in your favor on that last one. 

And while you may learn to live AROUND them or tolerate each other's idiosyncrasies, the chances of developing a deep & abiding love with Option #2 are somewhere around 0%.  Because that's not how any of this works.  Even if they turn out to be a decent person, YOU'RE MARRYING A STRANGER and doing it for the wrong reasons.  At best they may come to be a platonic friend that you tolerate in your bed, which isn't much better than marital rape if we're being honest.  And I can't even bear to think about the poor children of this unholy type of union.  They're the real victims here as they have no choice in the matter of where they live or who their parents are.  You, being consenting adults, had all the agency.  You still do, yet people often tolerate this type of situation long after they can financially afford to leave & when there's no physical threat to their safety. 

My mother comes to mind:  I'll never forgive her for staying and, by default, keeping us trapped in that house of horrors.  I love my parents individually but can't stand them together and tell them so often.  "Why is he only this mean to ME?" my mom often asks.  "Because you tolerate it.  You stay."  (And do all his dishes, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, etc while he talks to you like a dog.  That's a pretty sweet fucking deal).  To an abuser, staying or coming back is consenting to further abuse.  No amount of crying, cursing, threatening to leave, silent treatment, short-lived separations or passive-aggressive behavior has ANY effect whatsoever on anyone but you.  Failure to permanently & completely sever ties cancels it all out.  It's like bitching about a politician on social media 364 days a year but then voting for them anyway--the vote is all that counts.  Read that until you understand it.  

The not-so-PC term for 'gold-digger'.  😬  And yes, they come in both sexes.

While it's true that all relationships require work and are not Disney fairytales 24/7, they shouldn't be cold financial arrangements borne out of convenience or practicality either.  The time when that was necessary/acceptable has long passed.  Why not just live with a platonic friend if you're going that route?  At least you'd like each other's company!  Better to be single for the rest of your days, surrounded by biological family, your kids, friends, career, pets & beloved hobbies than to endure an artificial, parasitic domestic setup filled with stress & misery.  The misogyny alone is suffocating.  You aren't looking for someone to play the role of a parent, financing your life or doing your basic adulting tasks like cooking, cleaning up after yourself, etc, and if you ARE it's time to take that ass to therapy because that's not what healthy adult relationships are about.

Change starts with you, right now.  Today.  Question & fight to reject everything that doesn't sit right with your soul even if your whole family, state, region, country, culture, religion, WHATEVER considers it normal.  It's patriarchal brainwashing up to a point, then it becomes a conscious choice.  Sometimes you have to sacrifice temporary comfort for long-term progress, fallout be damned.  Let the chips, as they say, "fall where they may." 



Stop Pain-Shopping   🛑

Peace, war, breakup, make-up.  Rinse, repeat:  None of this is normal.

And for those who have a hard time letting go of a "love" that died ages ago:  Quit mistaking trauma bonds for love & wasting your life dragging everyone down into your mucky mire of misery & melodrama (ooh, alliteration!).  There are no brownie points in Heaven for being the long-suffering martyr when that suffering is a CHOICE.  Millions of women & girls around the world would kill to have the freedom & agency we have; you dishonor both them and your ancestors when you waste your one precious life choosing toxicity over happiness.  For some of you it's not even a rollercoaster with periodic ups and downs, it's a merry-go-round:  Going over the same ground again & again until everyone around you is dizzy, disoriented & wants to puke.  Time passes but you fail to mature, getting older chronologically but never growing or evolving as a person.   🥀

Your only hope of breaking the cycle is radical pattern-disrupting CHANGE.  Not a superficial "glow-up" or packing and running from your problems because they WILL follow you.  I'm talking decisive action & self-improvement:  new healthy coping skills, better friends, radical honesty/self-assessment, therapy.  You can start on that right AFTER you end that toxic relationship once & for all.  Finalize the divorce, get what's owed to you and peace out.  If you're not married, even better.  Just go.  If you aren't tied to them via coparenting minor children or a shared mortgage, block their number/social media pages & become unreachable.  

Pour the energy that you were dumping into their empty vessel into yourself, your health & other positive pursuits.  Meditate, journal, do yoga, go to the library, take a pottery class, plant an herb garden.  Get on the treadmill and run.  Send a card to that old friend to let them know you were thinking of them.  (People love receiving actual mail).  Just don't sit around ruminating about negative people & experiences.  Use this time to consider what values are truly important to you in a partner & what red flags to look out for in the future.  But do not even think about entering a new relationship until the thought of your ex with a new lover doesn't raise your pulse or temperature whatsoever.  Zero anxiety, rage or sadness.  The only thing you should feel for your ex is NO-thing.  Finish one thing before starting another.

Whether you're raving about what a good person your ex is or ranting about how badly they burned you, you're not "over" them if you still devote time and energy to thinking of them, driving by their house, checking their social media, badmouthing them to friends, rage-posting about them, etc.  You're giving them a rent-free condo in your head.  STOP PAIN SHOPPING, CUT THE CORD & MOVE ON.  That's the best revenge anyway, as it removes all their remaining power over you.  But this isn't about them, or "revenge".  It's about salvaging the rest of your life by creating a healthy environment where you can heal for real.  And then thrive, in or out of a relationship.

And as a final note:  New love can never grow where the ghosts of old toxic relationhips stir.  Anyone with half a brain will see the  🚩 of your obsession & 🏃🏻‍♀ for their lives/sanity.

The reason women NEEDED to marry in the old days.  That need is gone now.  WAKE UP & REALIZE IT BEFORE WE END UP BACK HERE!

(Okay, this got a little lot longer-winded than I anticipated when I started.  Sorry.  Time to take my own advice & invest in me for a bit 🫰🏼 🪙  ).