My Self-Care Looks Like...

The joys of dating a Cluster B.  😬

...learning to identify the traits and outward signs of Cluster B Personality Disorders & then avoiding those people like my life depends on it.  Because it kinda does.  My mental health/well-being certainly do at least. 

No hate toward sufferers of Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic or Antisocial Personality Disorders as I'm sure those aren't easy conditions to live with, but neither is it my responsibility to try and "fix" or rescue these folks from themselves (or even enable them by providing a soft place to fall).  The erratic & extreme behavior that characterizes these disorders is not healthy for me & there's no place for that kind of dark energy in my life.  In fact I do not believe these people have any business being in intimate committed relationships or reproducing until they have their conditions well & truly under control.  If that's never then so be it.  Sorry absolutely not one bit sorry.

I grew up in a "walking on eggshells" household with two unpredictable, mercurial parents with bipolar & narcissistic traits--a dad who never wanted kids and a mom who wanted them for the wrong reasons.  I had no choice in that matter because I was a child.  But I do have a choice not to associate with people who make me feel shell shocked & "less than" as an adult.  I'm poor & struggle with actual health problems that greatly impact my life & functioning, so healthy people who have everything they need in life to be happy but CHOOSE misery really piss me off.  The ones who have wild unprovoked swings in mood or dream up scenarios & problems in their heads to be mad about, constantly scheming & plotting to sabotage, hurt or turn people against each other when they appear the least bit happy.  People who start shit to alleviate boredom or are in constant competition with everybody make me tired, and I'll be damned if I act as a punching bag for someone who would rather project their unresolved Mommy/Daddy issues onto me than do the ugly work of fixing them in therapy.

Take your mind games, manipulation, verbal abuse, dishonesty, passive-aggression, grudge-holding, blame-shifting, infidelity & emotional incontinence elsewhere.  Preferably to intensive, ongoing therapy with a qualified mental health professional.  I suspect a lot of people who DO end up in therapy as adults are there dealing with the fallout caused by assholes like these who refuse to go themselves.  Where's the accountability?  Instead of holding abusers legally or socially responsible at the time, the victims are expected to "forgive" & "work through" a lifetime of unnecessary trauma after the fact in therapy.  Rebellious kids are "sent off" to abusive wilderness programs & bootcamps while the actual CAUSE of the problems--their adult guardians--get a vacation from parenting & change nothing.  Fuck that.  The whole paradigm is twisted.  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure anyway.



An Exercise For Cluster B's

Typical Cluster B "apology"

If you're a Cluster B'er who's serious about personal growth & self-improvement, a good first step would be owning your toxicity--like writing down the exact things you did wrong & want to make amends for--and taking responsibility for the times you've hurt people who didn't deserve it with absolutely no "but" justifications or explaining how they made YOU feel.  If you can't do it in person (or suspect the victim wouldn't be comfortable meeting you in person), send a letter or email*.  But have an unbiased 3rd party proofread it first.  No matter whether you get a response or WHAT response you get, say 'thank you' and move on.  Do not use the communication as a springboard for any further interaction with the person. 

*Provided the person does not have a restraining order or other legal order forbidding you from contacting them.

I've yet to see a personality disordered person give a genuine, non self-centered apology & try to make amends in a healthy way with someone from whom they had nothing to gain.  If they're coming around at all, it's because they want something (even if it's just a hit of good ol' narcissistic supply).  And if they're apologizing Hell has just frozen over because it's truly a once-in-a-lifetime event, if that.  This is because they honestly don't believe they ever ARE wrong; they're perfect and you're trash.  The world is a black-and-white, good or evil place to these types.  No nuance, no shades of grey. 

Unfortunately that's not how human beings are in actuality.  The "idealize/devalue" cycle that characterizes these disorders is dangerous because you can be knocked right off that pedestal as quickly as you were put on it.  These folks view vulnerability as weakness & refuse to put themselves out there in a way that requires admitting that they're less than 100% perfect/godlike.  It's much easier to project, blame, gaslight, triangulate, sabotage & play the victim.  And then riiiiiight as they've pushed you to the very edge of your sanity & coping limit, they'll magically pull it together, acting like they did in the beginning & pretending to be baffled as to why you would ever think of leaving them.  

While I might've put up with this childish dynamic in my 20's, it's a lot less attractive in my 40s & beyond.  I'm bailing at the 1st sign of fuckery rather than gaslighting myself into downplaying signs of danger starting yesterday.



Caveats/Final Thoughts

All that said, I do think there's a lot of misdiagnosis & self-diagnosis going on and not everyone who is labeled "Borderline" or the like truly is.  Though your illness has to be pretty bad to be labeled as such so definitely take it seriously either way.  You aren't irredeemable but if you choose not to acknowledge your issues & put in the ongoing work to learn about & control your behavior, you can do it from over there.  Waaaaaaay tf over there.  ---->

Horrifyingly, I've known some Cluster B's to co-opt pop psychology lingo & "diagnose" themselves as "empaths," CPTSD victims or more offensively, some version of autistic (but usually with more flowery language like "neuro-spicy") when they're clearly raging narcs or psychopaths.  Hence the importance of seeking an accurate diagnosis & correct treatment.  While some diagnoses carry more stigma than others, you can't treat what you don't acknowledge and you do a great disservice to people struggling with rejection-sensitive dysphoria, ADHD, autism & other disorders affecting empathy/communication/socialization when you wrongly claim these conditions & wear them like badges of honor.   👊🏻 

I have mad respect for people like Sam Vaknin & Lee Hammmock, diagnosed narcissists working to educate the public about the condition while not downplaying who/what they are.  (Hammock is also openly attending long-term therapy which I believe all narcs should do).  Whether they should be allowed to work one-on-one with actual clients is another matter, but I do appreciate that they own their issues and use their knowledge for good because there's a lot of so-called professionals out there who use their position of authority for evil & don't disclose their true motives... or the fact that they're crazier than a shithouse rat.  🏚🐀

               

Yeeeeah, I think I'm good.  😬