My Self-Care Looks Like...

...keeping a tight, small circle of friends I can truly trust.  Often this means spending time in solitude & dealing with difficult life issues alone, as my friends are scattered all over the place & can't always physically be here, but it's well worth it.  When I do meet a new potential friend, I put them on a 2-year "Probationary Period" because I've found that's about how long a person is able to hide their insanity before the mask slips.  It's not foolproof; I've had friends (and one ex) who hid their crazy much longer, but on average 2 years is a good amount of time.  And in many cases I did see red flags but stupidly chose to downplay/ignore them so that's on me.

Of course I don't tell THEM about this little Crazy Watch/probation period, but during that time I just make sure to not let myself get too attached or tell them anything too personal lest they turn out to be a nutter.  Depression and anxiety are fine--I think you'd have to be a bit of a psychopath NOT to have a little of each in this day and age--but the minute I see unprovoked mood swings, unnecessary lying just to spice up your life, racism/sexism, animal cruelty, shoplifting or other impulsive behaviors, weird mind games/manipulation or other signs of actual toxicity, I take several HUGE steps back.  Once is a fluke, twice is a personality disorder.  And as I posted earlier, I flee from those people like they're on fire.  Because if I stick around long enough, I will be too.   🏃🏻‍♀🔥

Real vs. fake:  Know the difference

I could tell all kinds of jaw-dropping stories to justify my reasons for this practice, but I'll spare you.  As someone who lacks Theory of Mind & can't even make sustained eye contact with people due to the 'tism, I rely on other means to suss out danger & I won't be made to feel bad about it.  Let's just say that being overly naive & trusting has landed me closer to death than I prefer to ever be again.  Actually, here's a true story:  The worst example of this near-death naïveté involved an all-night therapy-style talk session with a violent 30-something ex-con who knocked on my window at 2 a.m. & lied about who he was to lure me outside(!), claiming to be his 14-year-old cousin who I'd snuck outside to smoke weed with before without issue.  Once outside he informed me he was tweaking on meth (!!) & soon started talking in this indescribably creepy voice while proceeding to tell me he'd stabbed a woman to death back in the day and did 16 years in prison for it (!!!). 

I learned at that moment the difference between "anxiety" and primal, life-saving fear.  It's just that it did me no good because my legs wouldn't move.  I was completely frozen, unable to burst back through the gate & run into my house to scream for help despite seeing myself doing it so clearly in my mind.

Out of fight, flight, freeze or fawn I chose some worthless hybrid lovechild of the latter two, opting to "think" my way out of imminent death.  Real brilliant.  My brain shat out some crap about 'not being judged by the worst thing you've ever done' & having "served your time" & I guess that was satisfactory to stroke his ego & spare my life.  When the sun came up hours later and we parted ways, he simply said "Thanks for talking me down," to which I replied "anytime" like we were old pals.  (Anytime?!  Who am I, Bob Fucking Newhart?)  The whole thing felt surreal almost to the point of being comical...  almost.   Except for that whole murder thing.

It didn't truly sink in until later but:  talk him "down" from WHAT?  😱  How long had he been at my window and what was he thinking of doing when I got outside?  There were so many red flags:  his lying to lure me outside, being spun out of his mind on meth, fixating on the violent murder of a woman which I found out later never happened--his criminal history DOES include a 16-year sentence for killing people in a DUI but no murder of a woman in that manner.  (Which is kinda worse because it means he was either so high he was hallucinating & believed he'd actually stabbed a person to death, or he was fantasizing about killing ME in that exact manner).  I do know of other violent crimes he's committed however so he's definitely someone to be feared.  Everything that happened that night pointed to me not making it back inside alive, yet somehow I was spared.  Right then I made a pact with myself (& God if I'm honest) to learn everything I could about human psychology so I'd never get myself into something like that again.  Did I mention I was just 16 at the time?

I was 16.  

I told my friends this story thinking they'd judge my braindead decision to go outside at night with a window-peeper only to be met with some similarly bad choice-y Teen Girl Danger stories of their own.  Unlike my judgmental family whose first instinct is to blame & shame, my friends chose to tell relatable stories & make me feel more human.  So yeah, when it comes to friends, it's quality over quantity all day. 

I've had plenty of friends who came to me only when they were at a low point in life, dumped their miserable sob story on me while I listened non-judgmentally (at the time) & then bounced when I hit a low period or, more frequently, when their lives improved and they no longer needed the free therapy.  Maybe I'm not rich or exciting enough to keep around for the long haul, IDK.  Or maybe those people are users who are drawn to chaos--the type of "friend" I don't want in my life anyway.  Either way I have no time for one-sided relationships these days.  
 
True friends are people you can be away from for years and pick back up like you never missed a beat.  People with a similar sense of humor & life paths who will drop everything to be there for you when you're in a serious jam, and you'd do likewise for them.  Gladly.  They don't judge you for being different because they're different in their own way too.  If & when you find them, hold on for dear life because they're a rarity in this cruel world.  🌏 ☄