On Boundary Violation in the Alphabet Community

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I keep seeing posts about how labels like "lesbian" or "gay" mean whatever the individual using them wants them to mean, or that women who are attracted to males can call themselves lesbians.  Sure, you can say lesbianism includes women who date/fuck/love men.  And I could identify as a proud Black woman or an Army veteran who earned a purple heart in Vietnam.  The difference is I'd get ripped to shreds for saying such things (rightfully so!) and you'd probably just get some eyerolls, if that. 

That's because women--especially those who exclusively love other women--are the only group it's still okay to randomly "identify as" when you're nothing of the sort.  The only group viewed by mainstream society as little more than a porn category despite being the only group not GIVEN a porn search option on most sites.  The only group constantly pressured by bisexual & transgender folk about our ORIENTATION, as in "it's biphobic/transphobic to exclude us from your dating pool!"  What part of "orientation" don't we understand?  No means no, not "keep negotiating like a used car salesman".  🙄

This is why I despise the word "queer":  it's a catchall, meaningless term that erases/minimizes gay & lesbian identities & stomps on our boundaries, just as Newspeak-y misogynistic terms like "vagina owner," "birthing person" and "chest-feeder" do.  One day you're celebrating the legalization of gay marriage & the next you're watching female boxers get knocked tf out by hulking intersex or trans fighters as pedophiles proudly identify as "MAPS" (Minor Attracted Persons) or "Virtuous p3dophiles" (yes, really).  How'd we get here? 

Answer:  The "queering" of society & the blurring of consent lines.  By turning "woman" into a catchall class that includes everyone from females to trans-identifying males and females (both of whom can compete in the "women's" category in sports) while men are faced with no such problems.  By the degradation of the English language and the intentional destruction of the MEANING behind words, specifically those used to identify females and lesbians.  Who's behind this agenda the TQ+ folx are pushing so hard? 

The "agenda" is to make all sexual orientations, kinks, fetishes & paraphilias "normal" by gradually widening the circle, taking what used to be a strictly orientation-based group (LGB people) and expanding it to include others.  Many others, including some criminal others.  Gay/Bi/Lesbian people are now "Queer"; "woman" now includes both sexes and the imaginary third "non-binary" option; "love is love" apparently extends to chomos & proud pedophiles.  And whoomp, there it is.  ^^^  They've been doing this to gays since the '60s/'70s with groups like NAMBLA and PIE trying to tag along at Pride parades.  And until about 2012, LGB people fought against them as hard as we fought FOR marriage equality.  

Not so anymore.




Back to the Bad Old Days

Was this homophobic hatemonger right?

Those of us older than 30 remember a time when it wasn't like this.  We're going backwards & this time it's not conservatives sending us there.  Anita Bryant warned of homosexuals who tried to "convert" children by brainwashing and sexually abusing them, and I'll be damned if she wasn't right about some of you gendercult convertees.  The push to transition children behind their parents' backs at public school, peddle dangerous puberty blockers and put males in female spaces (and detractors on gov't watch lists) is not about inclusion or acceptance of transpeople.  It's societal grooming carried out by gradually lowering our defenses & desensitizing us to increasingly extreme shit.  You don't want acceptance, you want to destroy the last taboo, aka p3dophilia or whatever your specific "kink" is.  Maybe crossdressing in public, breastfeeding, menstruation or pregnancy.  The pedo wing of this movement wants to keep kids in a perpetual Peter Pan-like state of prepubescence via puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones.  So you can hopefully see our concern.

I've identified 4 distinct groups that take shelter under the TQIA+ umbrella.  These are:  the autogynephiles/fetishists, the Munchausen Moms & fundie parents who'd rather have a straight daughter than a gay son or are angling for their own show on TLC a la Jazz Jennings' mother; the pedophiles & the Cluster B's (narcissists, borderline personalities, histrionics & anti-social PD).  Of course this doesn't include the victims, who mostly consist of gay youth, autistics, adolescent/teen girls trying to escape the male gaze/objectification & the overtly mentally ill.  You may have noticed someone missing from this group that bears its name:  actual transsexuals who truly want to live as their desired sex WITHOUT forcing the world to play along.

For all of modern history, fetish behavior like "sissification" and crossdressing stayed behind closed doors, but that's not good enough anymore.  Porn has desensitized men to everything humans innately consider disturbing/humiliating/wrong, so they have to keep upping the ante with more extreme content & behavior.  (Or should I say, their own unwillingness/inability to control their porn consumption habits has caused this, because no inanimate object--be it porn, drugs or other vices--"makes" you do anything.  It's a choice & we need to start treating it as such).  And whaddya know:  by simply identifying as trans and taking no further steps, they've been granted free reign of women's safe spaces, from locker rooms and bathrooms to women's prisons & rape crisis centers, the latter 2 being by far the most dangerous & egregious.  Imagine being locked in a cell with a 6'2 nonbinary genderqueer in for violent sex crimes against women or kids, an all too common occurrence in this population.

Anyone with the critical thinking skills God gave a piss ant can see the other goal of this movement:  undoing the gains made by Women's Lib & the Gay Rights movements of the late 20th Century.  While this isn't the (conscious) goal of every trans or "queer" person, it is for a select powerful few at the top of key institutions who hide in plain sight behind the guise of "progressivism."  In reality they're nuking women's hard-won gains like Title IX and drawing general disapproval for lesbians and gays for the first time in a decade.  It's a men's rights movement at its core and if all the above isn't a deal breaker for you, then you're just as culpable.






Bisexual Self-Deception: The Real "Biphobia"

Refusal to date/fuck you is not a "phobia".  This is rapey af.

Sadly the T's & Q's aren't the only ones stomping on peoples' boundaries in this "movement."  Bisexuals, many of whom view men and women as interchangeable and say things like "I fall in love with the soul, not the body" are just as bad.  Modern bisexuals tend to fall into two equally maladjusted categories:  those who claim "everyone's a little bi" & those who go in the other extreme direction, diving headlong into denial that THEY are bisexual despite all the evidence while trying to redefine lesbianism to include them.  Spoiler:  it doesn't and never will.

Here's a little refresher for those who are confused:   

Homosexual = exclusively attracted to the same sex

Heterosexual = exclusively attracted to the opposite sex

Bisexual = attracted to both sexes

Pansexual = attracted to people regardless of sex/gender identity

Asexual = not attracted to anyone sexually

See how that works?

On another note, bisexuality doesn't necessarily mean you like both sexes equally or in the same way throughout your life.  It can be static or fluid (see: the "bi-cycle") but either way, bisexuals have the option to date/marry/have biological kids with the opposite sex at some point, and that comes with a lot of privileges. Not to say bisexuals don't face their own unique form of oppression, but that's just it:  it's not interchangeable with ours.  This is why accurate, well-defined descriptive terms are needed.  Not vague words like "queer".  

And while we're on the subject: a person's refusal to date or fuck you for ANY reason is not discrimination or oppression.  It's a right we all have.  Nobody owes you their affection or attraction, nor do they owe you an explanation for why they're not giving it.  Rejection sucks but it's a normal, necessary part of dating and relationships.  Your choices are:  1.)  Cope, or 2.)  remain forever single.  That's where your rights end.  

Better than WHAT?  Quit fetishizing this.

Male Exclusion:  A Feature of Lesbianism, not a Bug

Lesbianism (and other forms of monosexuality) are not fluid or changing.  We will never "make an exception" for a man even if we want nothing more in the world than to be "normal," make our parents proud or be accepted by our faith community.  Even if being lesbian brings financial struggles because men still make more money than women for doing the same work.  Even if our dating pool is tiny & full of maladjusted people, some of whom are literally insane due to dealing with a lifetime of homophobia & exclusion.  Even if we're literally gaybashed, harassed & physically threatened due to our sexuality...  Told we're destined to burn in Hell for all eternity.  Disowned.  Kicked out or removed from the will.  And so on. 

And why is that?  Because we can't simply decide to be attracted to men when one who checks all the "right boxes" takes interest in us.  Or when our entire family AND faith community are pressuring us to marry & start a family.  Or any other situation.  That's because we're 0% attracted to men sexually or romantically.  Many of us are physically repulsed by them.  Not all of us, and it's not a moral revulsion, but the smell of a man, his body hair, bodily fluids and body parts--all elicit an innate "ick" response.  (Sorry if this sounds pedantic to those with an IQ in the triple-digits but I'm spelling it out for the bisexuals who haven't grasped that their worldview doesn't apply to everyone).  

Gays & bisexuals are different in other important ways too.  Unless you're lucky enough to go to a giant school in a progressive area, lesbians & gays missed out on an entire developmental stage in middle/high school:  first date, first kiss, prom, homecoming, first sexual experience, first committed relationship.  These vital formative events are delayed until we break free from our families, small towns or backward communities & gain the freedom to live our truths--which sometimes doesn't happen until the golden years of life (if at all).  But in the meantime one thing we AREN'T doing is sleeping with the opposite sex and enjoying it. 

Bisexuals at least have the OPTION to experience those "firsts" in their teen years by being in an opposite-sex relationship if the opportunity presents itself.  They're not guaranteed those things, of course, but their sexual orientation doesn't preclude them from experiencing them.  And what often happens to lesbians while their peers are having those wonderful formative experiences is a lot worse than the usual lesbian longing:  We're often violated or taken advantage of by predatory males who refuse to take no for an answer. 

Again, "not all lesbians" are violated by men nor can those things TURN you gay, but it's certainly something that can happen when a smaller/weaker woman says 'no' repeatedly to numerous horny teenage or 20-smtg males because she's sickened by the mere concept of sex with them.  As a lesbian whose only sexual encounters with men were non-consensual and occurred after saying "no," "stop" or "take me home" clearly/repeatedly, this definitely adds to my disgust toward the male of the species--a disgust that was already present due to my orientation but was taken 20 steps further by these encounters.  (The fact that I even feel the need to fucking disclose this to a bunch of online strangers to explain/justify my orientation is proof that lesbians aren't taken seriously as a class and misogyny is the rule rather than the exception).    

Meanwhile our refusal to "just give men a try" is often painted as closed-mindedness by bisexuals, which would be funny if not so fucked up.  It's our orientation. Something we didn't choose & can't change. Something that affects every aspect of our lives profoundly, often negatively.  Read that until you understand it.





Words Have Meanings:  Taking Back "Lesbian"

Respect this or catch a canister of mace to the face.

While you don't need to be a "Gold star" to be considered lesbian, you can't enjoy sex or romance with men.  Any men, even "that special one".  A lesbian would choose lifelong celibacy if she was the last woman on Earth and every man around her was a former GQ Man of the Year or Forbes 500 member.  That is to say, there's literally NO circumstance under which an actual lesbian would choose to date, love or sleep with a man.  BECAUSE ATTRACTION AND REVULSION ARE NOT A CHOICE.  Key words:  choose/choice.  Short of a religious fundamentalist upbringing by parents who control her every move, no lesbian would ever date or sleep with a man of her own volition, nor would she enjoy any aspect of it enough to repeat the experience or make it "official" with a male-female relationship.  Not willingly at least.  

The fact that (gay or straight) men's identities are not up for debate like this is proof positive that misogyny and lesbophobia are still a huge problem.  It's giving corrective rape & it needs to stop.  While you work on that, also stop generalizing YOUR bisexual experience to people it doesn't apply to. Namely straight and (especially) gay people who are already dealing with enough.  Sexual orientation is not a matter of open/closed-mindedness, and claiming it is makes you a homophobe.  Like, a real one and not a "waaaah she won't sleep with me!" faux-phobe.

Don't nobody wanna deal with this, least of all lesbians.  

And one more thing.  A question really.  Why do bisexual women so often insist on dating straight men or lesbian women rather than other bisexual men & women who love like they do?  That's pretty telling in itself, especially if "everyone is a little bi".  If these bisexual-monosexual relationships happen naturally, fine.  But there's no denying that the lesbian-bi woman relationship is nearly fetishized in many circles, pushed on a captive audience (lesbians) by bisexual women for whom we're merely an option. 

Plenty of lesbians are open to dating bi women, but not all of us are interested in navigating the challenges inherent in a mixed-orientation relationship.  That's not a "phobia," nor are lesbians "threatened" by your attraction to men.  We're turned off by it, and by the general uncertainty of bisexuality which the bi-cycle article linked above goes into at length.  And we have every right to include or exclude you as a potential partner as a result of this or any other trait we find unattractive or incompatible.  You have the same right.  Be grateful we all have this freedom because not everyone in the world does. 

To those in active denial, quit making up terms like "bisexualesbian" and accept your bisexuality for what it is.  Even if you're 99% attracted to women and 1% to men, you're not gay as long as that 1% exists. It's the potential for attraction to men, not whether you're currently attracted to one that counts when determining if you're lesbian or bi.  Around 85% of bi women end up marrying & reproducing with MEN, so even if we were "threatened" by your attraction to them, it would be wholly justified.  

If indeed biphobia exists, it's strongest among bisexuals who twist themselves into pretzels to deny their true identity in favor of boundary- and common sense-defying labels.  By stomping gays' boundaries while crying "biphobia" and minimizing differences between the sexes in favor of a "gendered soul" worldview, this part of the alphabet rainbow behaves more like the trans wing than they do the lesbians and gays.  Generalizing, of course.  But this definitely applies to the most vocal portion such as the /r/bisexual community on Reddit.  

Thanks for attending my TED Rant.  Please feel free to die mad in the comments.  ↷