(alternately titled: "Old Woman Shakes Fist at Sky"):
Actually, much of this was written in early June so it's a bit outdated, though these mostly still apply.
* Being tired. I swear I've slept more than I've been awake the last 3 months. Nothing helps. My laundry piles up, bathing takes every drop of effort I can muster... my 'To Do' lists literally consist of one item per day like "call ___ back" or "check the mail." Interestingly I was informed that my THREE cousins are currently going through similarly debilitating sleeping spells. Yet people (ahem, my mother) still badmouth me for relying on "external sources" of the same dopamine they just naturally have when they wake up every morning. (Wouldn't that be neat? To just wake up every morning and like, have a day?)
Yeah, IDGAF anymore. Mostly because giving AF requires energy I just don't have. What a waste of life that is.
* Getting hit on every time I leave my apartment. It's always so shamelessly over-the-top and never the type of candidate you'd like for it to be, ya know? Doesn't matter the location or occasion, it never fails: some feisty fellow or determined damsel just HAS to make it awkward or hold me hostage as long as possible no matter the extreme personal cost to me. I'm talking appointments that should last 7-10 minutes dragging on for 2.5 HOURS. 😳 And that's the least extreme example. Just once I'd like to see the sun in person without having to rebuff this weird energy. I dress SUPER casual, skip makeup & avoid eye contact out of necessity (read: the 'tism) so I'd love to know where it's coming from. I'm clearly the common denominator but WHY? This is not some kind of obnoxious humblebrag either; I'm literally desperate for answers. It's not that I don't want a love interest, but there's a way to go about it and That. Ain't. It.
Also, if you're married or attached I'm not biting. Not because I have some huge moral objection to being the "homewrecker," a term that's as ridiculous as it is misogynistic--it's on you to keep your vows & relationship boundaries. It's just that I find it offensive you think I'd settle for crumbs or be flattered that you'd run down your spouse in order to "compliment" me. F U C K I N G E W W.
* People who don't deserve a 2nd chance getting 15 when I can't even get one. 🫤
* Repeatedly testing positive for things like Ecstasy, which I haven't even seen in over a decade. No nurselady, I'm not on MDMA at 9:30 A.M. on a Tuesday, nor did I take it at my parents' house Monday evening. Believe me, I'd be in a much better mood if I had. Maybe read the context clues & not just the faulty $7 pee cup results?
* Trolls. Here a troll, there a troll, everywhere a troll-troll. Or maybe 'catfish' is a better term. I dunno. At first it was kinda amusing, now it's filling me with a frustration I can't quite describe. I'm hip to the foreigners-trying-to-get-money-and-green-cards BS & don't wanna meet new American cyber lovers either. Nothing personal, that's just not how I use the internet. If it's someone I know: just be real with me. You probably know where I live & likely have my social media, email addy, etc. Use it. You'll get a much better response that way. Take this as your sign: Reach out as yourself. Say hi. Or 'hola.' Or 'fuck you.' Anything is better than this. I understand why someone might want to go 'incognito' in this way, but surely you understand why I would block/ignore a series of obviously fake profiles with stolen & AI-generated pictures in the age of financial scams & identity theft?
Ugh. Why can't normal things ever happen to me? 😣
* The abundance of bipolar people in my orbit. Seriously, there must be an invisible bipolar portal nearby. There's no shortage of them & most share my last name. Exceedingly few are properly medicated so it's a cointoss as to whether they'll be in a Hulking rage or tiptoeing through the tulips a la Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music when I see them. Unpredictability is not my jam, and that goes double for getting my head bitten tf off for no reason.
* Misogyny/male-on-female violence, both in the media and IRL. The Olympics nonsense has me ready to pop off at the drop of a hat, but it's a real-life nightmare situation with a very close loved one that's got me seriously concerned. Frustratingly, nobody else finds it as red flaggy as I do so it feels like I'm pissing in the wind when I warn of danger... at least to an extent. Thankfully said loved one is more intelligent than both our parents put together so if anyone can figure it out, it's her. And she's the one person on this Earth who actually takes my advice about serious things like this. I just wish she didn't have to in this instance. She deserves better. 😓
* My presence & contributions not being appreciated and people treating me like a second-string friend. Basically, don't wait until you've burned all your other bridges before crossing mine & expecting a Welcome Home parade on the other side. Not happenin'. I know all too well how that game goes: I listen and listen, nod, listen some more, comfort you and assure you that you're in the right (you usually aren't). Meanwhile you never ask how I'm doing or show any interest in anything but your own self-inflicted soap opera. The minute things start looking up for you or I enter a rough patch, you ditch me.
Just because someone's a good listener doesn't mean they should be expected to do it for free & then used as a stepping stone to your next "life chapter" or whatever narcissistic thing the Stuart Smalleys of the world are calling it nowadays. Time is too precious to waste on bad friends. (Thankfully I have some truly amazing ones but they're few & far between). From here on out I'm bailing the millisecond I get even a whiff of this BS and you should too. It's every bit as disrespectful as being called a hateful slur or some of the other things we consider unacceptable, it's just more gradual and subtle. A dull ache that comes in waves can hurt every bit as much as a sudden stabbing pain, they're just different kinds of hurt.
* Everything costing thrice as much & service being half as good as when it was semi-affordable. Medication shortages, empty and picked-over grocery store shelves, shabby crumbling crackhouses being sold for a cool $115,000. If people in the 1950s could've seen the America of 2024, they would've thought we lost the Cold War. If they could see our presidential candidates they would've laughed themselves into a stupor. After some more laughter & a long pregnant pause they'd say something to the effect of: "Well there's your problem, Hoss: you've sold the country out to billionaires & their lackeys. Now get outta my face before I take you to Fist City. Reckon I've got no use for sissified milksops like you anyhow. I've got a fallout shelter to build. Now GIT!"
Or something.
* Materialistic people addicted to buying literal junk and judging you if your values don't align. This kinda goes along with the last point in that it involves the worship of money & believing the lies of capitalists. These people will go into debt for junk, shitbomb their relationships over it, take on multiple jobs to afford it. Then they'll turn right around and call YOU an addict, as if blowing every dime you earn on non-necessities and being a workaholic aren't addictions.
"But work is a GOOD thing! Your worth as a human being depends on it!" --- Some Ableist Asshole
More work = better person! Trinkets = success!" --- Materialistic Moron
Follow me here: What if those are merely justifications to help you cope with the undeniable reality that you're giving the best years of your life to psychopaths who would replace you by day's end if you died on the factory floor? People who will use you up like a dirty diaper and throw you away the second you're too old, sick, pregnant, injured or crazy to make them rich(er) while they push paper around in an air conditioned suite all day?
Well that's exactly what's happening. Your lofty "life path" is a diversion you created to distract yourself from the fact that you're gonna die someday--everyone you love is. Everyone you hate is. Everyone on your block is. You just don't know how, when or who's gonna go first. And that scares you to no end so you create things like religion and "hustle culture" to divert your attention elsewhere temporarily. Buying redundant crap by the truckload serves the same purpose. But it comes at a high price: your time, energy, unique skill, effort, relationships & health. Things you can never get back once they're gone. You can't put a price on those precious gifts, yet they're constantly & offensively undervalued by greedy employers who kill you by stealing your time & converting it into THEIR payday.
Your smug hatred of the poor and disabled is a projection of your righteous but misdirected anger onto people who have done nothing to you; people who take approximately a dime a day from your paycheck in the form of social welfare programs while billionaires receive corporate welfare (tax breaks, subsidies, massive government bailouts every 10 or so years when their business fails, etc) to the tune of trillions. Railing against welfare & the poor is a cowardly & counterproductive way to avoid this ugly truth & confronting those who ARE making your life Hell. Now multiply "you" by 333 million-ish Americans & you start to see why there's so much pent up rage manifesting as mass shootings, child & domestic abuse of all kinds, addiction, obesity, mental illness, suicide & other "deaths of despair" in the U.S. I guess all those trinkets also serve as a consolation prize for participating in this RAT DOG HUMAN race.
[Pause]
* Passive-aggressive communication. I'm generally very chill and open about things if you say them TO me. It's when you talk ABOUT me in my absence that it becomes a problem. If you want to ask me something or have an opinion on my life, tell ME. Don't act like things are fine in the moment, sit around stewing about some non-issue and then blow up or try to sabotage me. Be in touch enough with your feelings to notice & address issues as they arise--if you fail to bring it to my attention that I've done something wrong in a timely manner, that's on you and you need to move on.
Oh, and be mature enough to sit hard conversations out once they're underway. Don't get up and walk out, change the subject, make a joke to deflect, go to bed mid-discussion, bring a third party into it or otherwise cut the conversation off before it's resolved. As much as I abhor confrontation, I won't tuck tail and run in the middle of one. That's coward shit & you're ensuring that it's all been for naught because nothing gets resolved that way. Keep the peace when you can; talk things through when you can't. (Within reason, of course. It's fine to say "Babe we've been at this for over an hour. Can we reschedule the discussion for tomorrow after work?" Also: There's constructive-but-difficult conversation and there's toxic verbal abuse. This does not apply to the latter, which you should shut down as soon as possible).
Think that about covers it for this edition. Join me next time to see what's getting my goat then. Will it be school children on my lawn? Traitors who disrespect the flag? Saggy pants & loud rap music? (I'm really not a miserable score-keeping harpie, STG. Just bored, overheated, sexually frustrated & in need of a dopamine boost. You're a certified champ if you made it this far. Thanks for listening to me vent... Not like I have anywhere else to do it. 😔 Hope everyone's summer is tits. (.)_(.)
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