Something's gotta give...

 Worst year of my fucking life.  Here's to a better 2022. 

  💰 💑⚕️🌍

800,000 And Counting...

Reminder as the U.S. bypasses 800,000 deaths from SARS-COVID-2:

We're nowhere near the largest, most populous or most crowded nation on the globe.  Neither are we considered a "developing" or 3rd world country with a lack of sanitation.  Yet we still have the highest number of coronavirus cases and deaths of ANY country on Earth heading into 2022 just as we did in late 2020 & throughout the pandemic.  Think about that for a second.  More than the slums of Haiti or India; more than the Taliban-lead regions of Afghanistan, more than the crowded shanty towns of Colombia, Rio or Mexico City.  More than the sprawling Gypsy camps in Romania & Serbia where people live 10 to a home in shacks with dirt floors.  

In case their motivation wasn't clear...

Meanwhile, multi-billionaires like Gates, Bezos & Musk got much richer during the pandemic, making enough excess money to fund trips to outer space--a feat which used to require funding by the entire U.S. government.  Amazon workers are being forced to pee in bottles & having their every move monitored by AI, dying on the factory floor while their company's founder steals their wages to go to the moon & fires them for trying to unionize.  And our "leaders" endorse all of this.  Their only purpose is to aid in the upwards transfer of wealth while performing political theatre to keep us all bickering amongst ourselves.  We plebs can't even get a $15 minimum wage, a floor vote on universal healthcare or a damn free mask in the mail from our own government during the biggest goddamn pandemic in modern recorded history!  

And our heroes in the Democratic party who claim to "follow the science" and care about the downtrodden?  Shoving a vaccine in our arms & sending us back to work without other protections in place is not the "the science," nor is it humane.  Not when small children still can't get the shot & nearly half the adult population still has chosen not to get it (and there are no federal mandates or consequences strong enough to force their hand).  Never mind the lack of mask mandates or ANY kind of uniform nationwide effort to stop this virus.  A virus that's constantly mutating to outsmart the thin veil of protection we have against it now & becoming ever-more infectious.  

But it's not even about the virus anymore:  it's about how we treat each other and how America values (or in this case, devalues) human life.  Our toxic brand of corporate libertarianism only rewards one thing:  greed.  The results have been nothing short of genocide on the poor & working class.  Other countries that are doing the right thing--paid lockdowns, masks, remote learning, distancing & bans on large gatherings--should be infuriated at us for continuing to breed new variants in our unvaccinated population while failing to get the shot to needy and willing countries around the world.  We're all connected in this pandemic; what happens in the jungles of the Cameroon directly affects people in Peoria, IL.  We're failing the world by every measure.

It didn't have to get this bad.  As an American I apologize for my corrupt government's actions.  I only hope there's something left of this country to salvage after this viral holocaust is over.  As Dr. Don Francis screamed at the CDC in the midst of the HIV-tainted blood scandal in 1983:

"How many people have to die?"

"Happiness is a Choice" and Other Lies

This is a common mantra bandied about by people who lay the blame for unhappiness squarely at the feet of the people experiencing it.  But is it true?  Of course it CAN be--at least on the surface:  we've all known assholes who have everything and still choose to complain.  But that's just the thing.  We can only judge people's behavior, not what they're feeling on the inside:  their past trauma, quiet struggles, secret shame or other factors that might be contributing to their unhappiness.  

And sometimes that "unhappiness" is actually clinical depression.

And when that's the case, your "happiness is a choice" comment comes off as an ableist insult.  Now I hate terms like "ableist" as much as the next cynical Xennial; I find it whiny & overly precious.  But in this case it fits.  There's still so much stigma & ignorance attached to things like depression & anxiety that people don't even realize they're spouting hate when they make comments like this.  As miserable as it is to be around someone who complains all the time, is irritable, has an Eeyore personality or lacks the energy and ambition to keep up with their peers, it feels 100x worse to the person experiencing it.  Read that again.  

Don't be these people.

There's a surprising variety of depression types, the big ones being bipolar and unipolar.  These are then split into many sub-types:  Bipolar I & II, Cyclothymia, Dysthymia, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Major Depression, Atypical Depression, Postpartum Depression, Double Depression, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and more.  All of these have different symptoms & severities, with some having opposite symptoms like insomnia vs. hypersomnia or weight loss vs. weight gain.  Despite progress in treatment in the late 20th Century, most medications fall woefully short of truly treating the more serious varieties, hence the recent excitement about ketamine & psychedelic therapy.  

As someone with treatment-resistant depression who's tried 24 different medications to no avail, I'll do my best to describe how MY particular depression feels:  I don't cry weekly or even monthly.  I'm not lonely despite spending 90% of my time alone.  I don't feel "sad" in the typical sense.  What I do feel is pessimistic, cynical & apathetic about life as a human being on Earth.  I'm capable of feeling excited & joyful but it takes a helluva lot more to get me there than the average person.  I'd need to win the lottery every day to experience the same level of excitement, contentment, joy & happiness as most people feel from things like "date night," "a job well done at work" or "a walk in the park on a beautiful day".  My highs are lower and my lows are lower than a non-depressed person.  My depression comes with an overwhelming sense of boredom no matter whether I'm sitting on my ass doing nothing, being productive as hell or doing a hobby I enjoy.  I feel tired all the time.  

And for those tempted to blame things like negative self-talk or an "ungrateful attitude," it's not that.  I've been in therapy for years, spent hours journaling & reflecting, doing mindfulness meditation to be more present in the moment.  None of it works for the depression.  Anxiety, sure.  I remember what true joy felt like before my depression set in as a child--sometimes I get brief glimpses of it on a car ride or while doing some random thing & it's like a flashback to a different lifetime.  ("Ahh yes, I remember enjoying things!")  This tells me with 100% certainty that my problem is not my "mindset" but a biochemical imbalance & potentially a brain wiring issue.  I don't pretend to know how these things work.  But it's something biological rather than anything I can control with my thoughts/actions.  This was further confirmed when I felt BETTER after sustaining a concussion.  It was the least depressed I'd been in my adult life, but eventually the benefits faded just like so many other treatments that have worked in the past.  

Harmful Societal Beliefs

If you've ever wondered how you can help someone suffering from mental illness, here's what you can do.  Simply stop making assumptions based on the person's behavior.  Depression manifests as an inability to keep up with things like exercise, personal hygiene, a healthy diet & a social life: the very things people tend to BLAME for causing depression.  "If only you'd go outside more, you'd feel so much better!"  "Why don't you try some vigorous exercise?  Get the endorphins flowing?"  While not technically untrue, these things aren't the cause of clinical depression and are unbelievably hard for someone with the condition due to its effect on energy, motivation & stamina.  They are, at best, a temporary Band-Aid that distracts from it.  Not a cure or even an FDA-approved treatment.  You're confusing the symptoms of depression with the cause.  

The belief that sick people--whether they're sick mentally or physically--could be well if only they'd try harder is beyond cruel and harmful.  Not to mention completely false.  You see it in alternative health circles, autoimmune disease groups & of course among those battling mental illness & addiction.  It's always good to control the things you can control, obviously.  But along with that comes the responsibility to name & acknowledge the things you can't.  We all have limits, and while it may make you feel better to victim-blame, it makes the actual victim feel infinitely worse.  They begin blaming themselves for not improving despite their best efforts which is like salt in a gaping wound.  Just be glad you've never been in their shoes.  Even if you've been depressed or had the same illness or whatever, you've never walked in their exact shoes & can't know how they feel.  It's not a pissing contest, this life.  

Which brings us back to the original question:  Is happiness a choice?  Gratitude is a choice, but being grateful isn't the same as being truly happy.  Kurt Cobain alluded to this in his suicide note ("I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it--and I do, God, believe me I do--but it's not enough").  And with gratitude comes the realization that so many other people in this world are suffering worse than you are, which is depressing in itself.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that continuing to live, be kind to people & be grateful is a choice but true happiness is not.  So please let this harmful myth die.  

Top 3 Strains of 2021

You know what time it is, Psychonauts!  Time for my annual roundup of the very best strains of the year.  Like last year, all strains come from in-state medical marijuana dispensaries and have been extensively researched by yours truly.  

What I look for in a weed strain:  the effects must be on point first and foremost.  I want something that lifts my mood and strikes a good balance between stimulation and relaxation without a drowsy comedown.  If it looks and smells pretty that's just an added bonus.  Too much emphasis is placed on "bag appeal" these days in my opinion (a likely result of reviewers with high tolerances who can't tell the subtle differences in effects between different strains).  Weed tends to make me both anxious and too sleepy to function so it's a real chore finding a strain that doesn't lean too far in either direction.  

Without further ado, here are my Top 3 Strains of 2021:

#3.)  Chernobyl -  This 80% sativa-dominant firebrand doesn't fit the mold of strains I'm usually drawn to (ahem, indicas) but it ticks all the right boxes in the effects department, producing a high that's as giddy & stimulating as can be without causing that typical sativa paranoia.  It reminds me of Golden Goat, which made it to last year's Top 3 list.  This is what I call "playful weed":  a strain that makes literally any activity more fun so you'll want to share it with friends.  I gave it a 4.8 of 5 stars after a few trials & would definitely buy it again if given the opportunity.  

#2.)  Banana Cake -  a.k.a. Baby's First Purple Strain.  Well, at least some of the buds were purple--the others were green with purple cores.  When broken up, the nugs reek of grape juice (anthocyanins?) which obviously smells nothing like bananas or cake, so don't pick it up based on the name alone.  But no matter.  The high creeps up on you then BOOM!  Sledgehammer to the cranium.  Pure indica bliss complete with pain relief, giggles & pure relaxation.  Banana Cake is one of the most unique strains I've smoked in years, and the high is phenomenal if you're an indica lover with pain or anxiety issues.  Original rating = 4.9 of 5 stars.  

#1.)  Zkittlez -  Euphoric, effervescent, depression-crushing joyflower.  "Taste the Rainbow" is the perfect slogan for this indica-dominant hybrid.  You know that scene in The Simpsons where a stoned Homer starts shaving and rainbows shoot out of his face?  Yeah, that's Zkittlez in a nutshell.  It feels reminiscent of my first time getting high where I just giggled myself retarded and everything looked psychedelic.  After a couple tokes I rated it 4.9 of 5 stars for its reliably perfect high, but in retrospect I'd give it a straight 5.  It was so good I went back and bought a half-ounce for good measure:  my biggest purchase of any medical marijuana strain to date.

What was YOUR favorite strain of 2021?  Sound off in the comments!  💨