Not a Manifesto

Bad Luck * Negative Self-Talk * Exhaustion/Giving Up

When it rains it pours.  ⛈  In late February I had the worst Tarot card reading ever.  I don't even believe in that stuff, but every last bit of it has come true.  One thing after another and all of them completely out of my control.  It all feels futile... 

What can you do when a loved one is sick & refuses basic medical care?  Cry, yell, cuss, beg, plead, try to use reason & lay out a rational argument... and none of it does a damn bit of good.  What can you do when your own health is failing & you've tried everything, seen every specialist & nobody has any answers beyond "hmmm, that's strange" or "it's not what you think it is, but I don't know what it is either?"  When you KNOW you're the most accurate historian of your own symptoms (thanks, eidetic memory) & put in immense effort to document your body's fucked up behavior, yet professionals/specialists refuse to listen or worse, blame you?  When your already tiny support system is dwindling & you spend 95% your time alone, trying not to dwell on negative awful things but seeing no light at the end of the tunnel?  When family members you should be able to rely on lie, gossip behind your back & do everything BUT be responsible, loving adults?  When your rent, bills, groceries, gas, car repairs, insurance & other costs-of-living keep going up but your paycheck remains stagnant?

I don't know what you do, but I know what usually works for me:  Sleep, cry, yell at God, take pills, watch dark comedies, listen to depressing music, isolate more, blog into the ether, vent to friends who have their own damn problems & hope you're not dragging them down with you...

But it's not working this time. 

Between the nightmares & fever dreams, the familial exclusion, the mysterious illnesses, the anxiety about other peoples' health (incredibly stubborn, selfish people who seem to enjoy causing me distress) & all the political strife as our country is dismantled by grinning billionaires before our eyes, I feel legitimately hopeless.  And maybe that's not abnormal or bad, necessarily.  Sometimes unpleasant feelings are called for, but enough is enough already! 

When is it my turn?  To find love, money, success, excitement, adventure, peaceful rest?  Or ANYTHING other than endless stress/misery on a loop?  It feels like I've exhausted every avenue, tried every option & ended up more disillusioned than when I started.  You can try to keep a positive outlook but at what point does that become delusional when juxtaposed with your increasingly shitty reality?  

This isn't a manifesto or anything.  Just some anonymous venting on a stupid blogging platform that doesn't even support Google Ads or other monetization efforts.  (Am I wasting my time here too?  "Signs point to 'yes'  🎱 ⯆).  If you've made it this far, you're a champ.  Listening to pessimistic depressives whine is draining, believe me I know.  Just sick & tired of being sick and tired.  Hopefully tthings start looking up soon because WOW what a shit-tier year it's been so far. 

 ⌛ 🪦 🦠 💩 💔