How To Protect Yourself From Toxic People

 


When a person's words & actions don't align, ALWAYS believe their actions. 

It costs nothing to lie or make empty promises, and for some people it's second nature.  Relevant present/past actions always reveal the truth about a person's intentions.  Why?  Actions require effort, whether that effort is enjoyable or taxing to them matters not.  Actions require a bit of pre-planning, however small.  And many actions also cost money, time or some degree of self-sacrifice.  But the main thing is that they all require effort on a person's part while words do not. 

We're taught to see the best in people, have faith & give the "benefit of the doubt" when what our parents SHOULD be teaching us is to believe people's actions & ignore their words.  If someone wants a thing badly enough, there's nothing they won't do to make it happen.  Read that again because I need you to understand it.  Likewise, if they DON'T care or desire a given outcome, they'll go out of their way to make excuses & avoid putting forth the effort to make it happen, usually at the same time.  This results in their words & actions contradicting each other which is perhaps THEE red flag of the century.  

It requires EFFORT to cheat; to get dressed up & sneak around to meet someone you shouldn't be seeing; to create & check an online dating profile or catfish account while in a "committed" relationship.  Going to therapy, showing up on time ready to bare your soul & work on your shortcomings?  Immense effort & vulnerability required.  Committing actual crimes requires effort & huge personal risk.  Having sex with you, hitting you, stealing money from your bank account or posting passive-aggressive shit about you online all take some amount of physical, mental or emotional effort.  (Remember, it's not about whether they view the action as "work" or "fun").  Know what doesn't?  Superficial flattery, promising to change or lying about what they were doing in a given situation, saying "But baby I was gonna marry you!", promising to get help, etc.  Without concrete proof that they mean what they're saying, it's nothing more than hot air no matter how sincere it may seem.





Liars = Lazy

Not sure what a "cretan" is but otherwise this checks out.

The thing about liars & toxic assholes is they tend to be incredibly lazy in interpersonal relationships.  They want the biggest payoff for the smallest amount of effort, & nothing requires less effort than lying, exaggerating, making excuses or bullshit promises.  Even if a person is well-intentioned when they promise you something, promises aren't legally binding.  Until they've actually DONE the thing, it means nothing.  Intentions are a lot like false promises:  they don't amount to shit in the real world.  "But your honor, I didn't INTEND to kill him!" isn't going to bring the dead man back.  You still killed him; he's just as dead as if you'd plotted out the killing for months & done it on purpose.   

True accountability looks like admitting you killed a person, apologizing sincerely & then DOING THE TIME you're sentenced to for it without trying to wiggle out of it & then never killing anyone again.  No excuses, lies or "but" justifications.  Just acceptance of responsibility & changed behavior.  And that still won't bring the dead man back!  But it is the most a person can do to atone for the their actions in this lifetime.

IRL Example:  My ex would randomly say "I can't believe my mom put her cat in the shelter!  I could NEVER!"  But as soon as she dumped & and replaced me?  To the shelter the skittish 10-year-old cat went.  This was after promising to take care of our (two) cats when I was suddenly forced (by her) to move back across the country & couldn't take them with me.  This is by far the most crooked, evil thing a person has ever done to me & believe me, I was heartbroken and enraged over it.  I still am.  She'd also said she planned to marry me several times during our decade-plus together & lied about big "deal-breaker" things I won't get into here.  I ignored the red flags in her actions, and that's on me. 

Claiming she wanted to marry me "someday" or proclaiming her love for the cats unprovoked cost her nothing and GAINED her my trust & respect so why not do it?  Low risk, high reward.  This is simply how liars & con artists operate.  Whether she meant it at the time also doesn't matter--her actions ended up telling the true story.  When she unblocked me on social media & started commenting on random mutual friends' posts during the pandemic so I would see that she'd unblocked me, I gave it about a day before blocking her sorry disgusting ass for good.  That was over 5 years ago now & I've never looked back... 

I won't make the same mistake of believing empty promises or "future talk" again.  Not without actual proof (read: effort) to back it up.  Ain't nobody that hard up for a relationship.






Believe POSITIVE Actions Too

Kinda vague, but accurate.  

For people who have been badly burned by loved ones in the past, it can be hard to know when to believe what somebody's telling us.  "Trust issues" it's called.  Well if so many people didn't have "honesty issues" or "accountability issues," we wouldn't be so untrusting.  🤷🏻‍♀

So when should you take somebody's words seriously?  When they have no history of lying or playing you for a fool, obviously.  Barring that, when their behavior suggests true change or effort on their part to bring their actions into alignment with their words.  Not just when they know you're looking but all the time.  I'm not talking about buying you flowers or a ring after hitting you or cheating--those behaviors are common in the cycle of abuse & don't indicate sincerity.  I'm talking genuine signs that they're doing the hard work of changing to become a better person on a consistent, long-term basis.  Key words:  "consistent" and "long-term".

This isn't "benefit of the doubt" shit, it's the exact opposite--judging a person by their actions.  It's not perfect but unfortunately it's the best we have.  They might still screw you over at a later date, but at least you will have done everything in your power by requiring proof of concept before believing them.  By all means, gather all the data you need; get "big" things in writing and document their words and behavior if they've got a history of shadiness.  If they do anything that contradicts what they're telling you, drop them like a hot potato.  But always judge by actions, for better or worse. 

Also, it's on you to define & lay out your deal-breakers upfront & to stick to them--if that includes lying, cheating or verbal abuse, say so.  ("Deal-breaker" means no 2nd chances will be given if they're caught doing said thing).  Simply ghosting someone without properly communicating your boundaries first is coward shit.  You also have a responsibility to do as you say you will do & won't be taken seriously otherwise.  But outside of that, continuing to punish or accuse someone when they've expended significant sustained effort to do the right thing or prove themselves to you is not fair or necessary.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of accusations leading to the thing you don't want to happen--i.e. broken relationships & pain.  In any case, being unnecessarily suspicious or punishing someone for another person's behavior in the past will lead to bad outcomes & heartache.  For you.  

TL;DR - Actions are where the rubber meets the road; all words are hot air until proven otherwise.  These actions can't be part time, half-assed or self-serving--you set the bar on that but you must follow through on your dealbreakers & not move the goalposts or only see what you WISH was there.  Wishful thinking should be called wishFOOL thinking because it's a fool's errand.