I'm about to drop some hot psychology knowledge. You sat? Good. 🪑
If you're already aware of this stuff you probably won't learn much here. But if you're like me, you've gotten to a pretty big age with no clue that this is a thing. I'm talking about dysfunctional family roles--the roles we're cast in without our consent by parents who haven't mastered emotional maturity & quite possibly had kids for the wrong reasons. Selfish reasons. Often used to describe families with narcissistic or "toxic" parents, these roles are more personality-defining than your astrological chart, MBTI type or any other single factor. Only if you come from a chaotic, dysfunctional family of course. So let's look at some signs of dysfunctional family dynamics real quick, shall we?
Not a definitive list. By far.
"But isn't everyone's family dysfunctional?" In a word, no. All families have disagreements and conflict, but it's not normal to withhold affection, argue constantly, call names and curse at each other, hold your kids to wildly different behavioral standards or refuse to apologize and own your mistakes when you're wrong. Medical neglect, physical abuse, substance abuse, workaholism & taking no interest in your childrens' hobbies/interests unless it benefits you is NOT normal. It doesn't always mean your parents didn't try their best or that they're evil, but the outcome is the same. It's the children who pick up the tab, not just in childhood but often for their entire lives.
If this sounds like you, read on. Where do you fit in this shit sandwich?
aka the "Golden Child"
Clear favorite of the dysfunctional/toxic parent, the Hero is the prototypical "goody two shoes" who embodies all the positive traits the toxic parent sees in themselves. Maybe they're attractive, smart, kind-hearted or athletic, or they simply remind their parents of someone from their past they really liked. (But it's usually themselves because
everything's about them). The Golden Child receives the bulk of the encouragement and praise in the family which can trigger a superiority complex while enabling bad behavior. This can lead to legitimately
abhorrent behavior down the line. Heroes often become the target of their other siblings' ire, which the narc parent uses to turn siblings against each other. Toxic parents almost always deny having a favorite but it's so obvious Ray Charles could see it from outer space.
But this role has a major downside: The Golden Child often remains under the thumb of the tyrannical parent for most or all of their adult life, failing to develop an independent identity or break free from the dysfunction. They're chosen to care for (emotionally, financially, physically or whatever) the aging narc parent and are often emotionally crippled on purpose to ensure they never break free. Their happiness is directly tied to said parent's moods and whims which often means they don't end up very happy at all. The enabling borders on
emotional incest at times, with the Hero playing the role of surrogate spouse to the toxic one. Of all roles, the Golden Child is most likely to become narcissistic/toxic in adulthood.
Struggles: Codependence, enmeshment,
identity foreclosure, lack of accountability, perfectionism, entitlement, pompousness.
Virtues: Hard working, loyal, law-abiding, responsible, dependable, talented/successful, strict moral code.
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aka the Forgotten Child
Maybe the middle child or the second daughter in a family with multiple daughters and one son, the Lost Child literally gets lost in the shuffle. The toxic parent fails to form a close bond with Lost Child early on, which results in being mostly overlooked & neglected. They do well enough in school and other areas but are not praised to the extent the Golden Child is, nor do they actively seek that kind of attention even if they'd like to be acknowledged once in a while. They know it's a futile endeavor. As a response to the parent's indifference, the Lost Child often becomes emotionally detached & escapes into complex fantasies and dreamworlds, forming stronger attachments to
things than people. When family drama kicks off, they usually play the peacemaker role due to a strong dislike of conflict.
One positive aspect of this role is the independence and maturity the Lost Child often develops as a result of the radical self-reliance they were forced to show from an early age. They tend to become the most typically successful of the bunch but may struggle with severe anxiety, unstable relationships and materialism as they attempt to fill the void with "stuff" rather than meaningful connections. Of all the roles, the Lost Child is most likely to develop a
passive-aggressive communication style due to a history of suppressing their own needs & being the "glue" that holds the family together. They hate conflict but those emotions have to go somewhere, hence the passive-aggressiveness.
Struggles: People-pleasing, escapism, anxiety, passive-aggressiveness, difficulty asking for help, materialism/overspending, aloofness.
Virtues: Mature, responsible, independent, caring, competent, helpful, generous, creative/imaginative.
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aka the Black Sheep.
In childhood, the Scapegoat is by far the least desirable role in a toxic family system. They represent all the traits the toxic parent dislikes or represses in themselves, earning them the most criticism and punishment by far. Yet their biggest crime is often simply calling out the dysfunction in the family or standing up for themselves. Sure, they can come off as "the squeaky wheel" due to their loud & hostile behavior, but that behavior is often a result of verbal or physical abuse the other family members don't see. That's no accident. The scapegoat offers a distraction by allowing the others to say: "Wow, we may be messed up but at least we're not THAT bad!" or "Boy does (s)he need help." In this way, the Scapegoat indirectly helps the rest of the family ignore or downplay their own issues, which is the preferred method of handling problems in every toxic family. Just sweep it under the rug & keep moving...
Scapegoats often struggle to avoid "living down" to their parents' expectations in adulthood. Self-esteem is severely damaged due to decades of gaslighting and targeting for abuse, be it verbal or physical. Their anger at the unfairness of being treated so poorly can lead to defiant behavior, substance abuse, crime and other forms of rebellion, particularly against authority figures who behave like bullies. They may develop a "what's the point?" attitude and stop trying altogether in severe cases. If Scapegoats make it out of the toxic family system alive, they usually go on to become independent, self-actualized adults, albeit with a fair amount of pent-up hostility. With enough help & emotional support they can channel their pain into something constructive like political activism, art or philosophy.
Struggles: Self-destructive, impulsive, problems with authority, anger, learned helplessness, low self-worth.
Virtues: Honest, observant, outspoken, resilient, values fairness/equality, highly principled.
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It's important to note that these roles may switch up at various points in one's life as the family dynamic changes. A Lost Child may move into Scapegoat territory when the Scapegoat leaves the nest; a Golden Child may be demoted to either remaining role when a new sibling is born. Only-children in these dysfunctional families often claim to identify with ALL 3 roles based on their parents' moods.
Debate about the "most toxic" role has been ongoing, but the point isn't that any of these is worse than the other per se--just different. And all bad in their own way. It's like trying to compare abuse & neglect. You can't pick a "worst" because both cause uniquely awful outcomes. The unequal treatment in these families makes it easy to triangulate and turn siblings against each other because none of them had the same experience growing up, yet all feel a unique sense of anger, hurt or resentment at how they were treated. Favoritism & projection by the parent is the root cause--a failure to view each child as an individual with their own needs, fears and potential. To the narcissist, children are merely an extension of themselves; a reflection of traits they either adore or despise in themselves. (Or sometimes in the other parent whom they openly despise). "You're just like your mother/father" is a common refrain from toxic parents.
I could bore you with endless self-analysis and tell you which one I identify with, but I'll spare you. I will say that knowing about this crazy-accurate paradigm has helped my siblings and I find common ground in adulthood. (I may have made the mistake of throwing the info in a parent's face when they were being evil, which I only call a "mistake" because it changed nothing). If there's one thing all toxic parents lack, it's the ability for insight & honest self-reflection. Though I'm 100% certain they'd disagree. They always do.
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