On Identity Foreclosure

How much of what you believe is truly yours? 

As children, we're indoctrinated by our parents and those around us in regards to religion, behavior, goals/aspirations & a million other things.  It's only natural that children almost always reflect the views of the adults in their lives, but there comes a time when you have to examine those views to decide what fits and what doesn't.  Facing the fact that what you've been taught might be not only wrong but toxic is not an easy process, but it's necessary if you're going to truly grow up and become your own person.  This process is called self-discovery. 

I went through the first phase of this process around age 10 and still go through it today occasionally in my older age.  The bad news is that it's never truly over if you're a thinking person... there's no magical point when you're "done" examining the belief system you were fed and can just stop.  But you do get to a place where you feel confident in separating out the beliefs of your family, friends, teachers, community & even your country from that which is truly your own.  When you know that loved ones are entitled to an opinion on your life, not a vote, and begin to realize that those who truly love you will come around regardless of what you choose if given time and space to process it.  This isn't "selfish," it's a natural healthy part of growing up and becoming an individual.  

These kids are reflecting their parents' views, not their own.

And let's reverse the roles a bit:  would someone who truly loves you and cares about your well-being WANT to control you and micromanage your life?  Would they disown you over something trivial like who you marry or who you vote for... talk behind your back at family functions or get-togethers?  Is this an act of love or toxic control?  If a partner behaved this way, we'd call it abusive but when our parents and older family members do it, we view it as "looking out for our best interests".  Well I've got news for you: the only thing your parents should want is for you to be happy, healthy & safe.  How you get there is none of their damned business.  You don't exist to glorify them or live out their dreams. 

My policy is to not involve myself in the personal affairs of my siblings, parents or friends unless they're doing something that puts their health or safety at risk, and it's served me well.  I don't judge who they date, how neat their house is, how they raise their kids, how they vote in elections or other personal decisions and our relationships are better for it.  But if they skip that important medical check-up?  I'mma be on their ass.  Of course nobody wants to disappoint or embarrass their loved ones, but at the end of the day you have to live for yourself.  It's true that elders have lived longer and have more firsthand experience in life, that their input is important, but it's not a substitute for your own conscience.  We have to be allowed to live for ourselves and learn from our own mistakes.  The biggest regret dying people have is not living for themselves & following their own dreams.  So yes, this stuff is important.

The good news is that you can likely hold onto some of the beliefs you were raised with.  I've found that about 40-50% of mine were actually solid and worth adopting as my own.  But that other 50-60%?  Hot dog water.  🌭🫗