[Review] - Natural Vitality Calm: Anti-Stress Gummies

Vendor:  Swanson  greatstarter2013
Location:  Indiana, USA.
Items:  Vitamin & mineral supplements.
Rating:  4.8 of 5 stars
Website:  eBay.com

Lately my heart has been pounding at rest & I nearly fainted after getting too hot in the bath, which quite frankly scared the living shit out of me.  After some thinking, I remembered my chronically low potassium levels that always show up on routine blood tests.  All of this plus muscle cramping--another miserable symptom I'd developed recently--are signs of potassium deficiency which can be dangerous or even deadly if severe.

Magnesium & potassium work together to control muscle contraction including that of the heart and are often deficient together, particularly in people with poor diets (me) who take diuretics (also me) or those with eating disorders who abuse laxatives (not me).  I picked up some potassium chloride salt substitute to address the potassium issue along with some magnesium to see if it helped.  The salt substitute is yummy, btw.

Magnesium citrate viral post :)

Magnesium citrate is best known as a potent laxative (see above) sold as a liquid in the freezer section of stores like CVS or Walgreen's, but it also comes in a weaker powder form that WON'T make you crap yourself in modest doses.  That's what's in Natural Vitality Calm Anti-Stress supplements.  The citrate is better absorbed than the oxide or chelate forms in many tablets which is why I opted to try it.  I was first turned on to the powder packets by a kratom vendor who sent me a sample of them many moons ago.  It had a mild calming effect that helped me wind down before bed.  According to Wikipedia, upwards of 50% of people are magnesium deficient today which is a little alarming.  Again, since I have the diet of an autistic 5-year-old, I most certainly have a magnesium shortage.  Unless you eat a lot of whole wheat, spinach, quinoa, almonds, dark chocolate & black beans (the top 5 magnesium-rich foods), you probably have a deficiency too.

Natural Vitality Calm Anti-Stress Drink packets

Unfortunately, after waiting for the Swanson vendor's Calm Drink packets to show up for a week I was told it was out of stock & refunded, so I opted to pick up a similar product from a different vendor instead.  This review will be about the same brand of gummies with the same active ingredient (mag citrate) from vendor greatstarter2013.

Each serving of Natural Vitality Calm Gummies contains 83 mg elemental magnesium citrate; adults can take 4 gummies (servings) per day for a total of 332 mg.  There are 240 gummies in each bottle totaling 60 adult servings.  I paid $14.59 for the bottle which is a pretty reasonable price for 2 months' worth of magnesium.  I have GERD which means all tart candies irritate my stomach and these lemon raspberry-flavored ones are no different, but it's manageable at the small doses required. 

They don't really taste like lemon OR raspberry but are just sweet & tart enough to be palatable.  I prefer the taste of the gummies to drinking a cup or bottle of fizzy powder.  I feel moderately relaxed after eating 2 of them (166 mg) & somewhat drowsy after 4.  The taste grows on ya after a while.  It's not bad, especially for a supplement.  My bowels haven't moved yet but feel like they could.  It's great before a nighttime meditation session as it helps get your body in that relaxed state to lay still & be mindful.  💆

2 Calm gummies

Other ingredients include:  water, organic cane syrup, tapioca syrup & some other "organic" ingredients... as if that matters.  "Organic" is meaningless but if it makes some people feel better, so be it.  Black carrot root is used for color which is better than Red No. 40 or whatever.  The ratings for this product on eBay are universally positive, with its overall rating being 5 stars.

I give Natural Vitality Calm Anti-Stress Gummies from Swanson a 4.8 of 5 stars for effectiveness, flavor & ease of use.  It makes a great gentle stool softener & magnesium supplement, and it's not bad as a calming/anti-anxiety agent either (though not as potent as kava or phenibut).  Of course I'd like if it were a few bucks cheaper but really it's not bad for what you're getting.  The slightly sour taste irritates my stomach lining but what doesn't?  If you like tart candies or drinks you'll have no problem & may even be tempted to eat more than the recommended dose, but I wouldn't advise that or you may be running to the bathroom unexpectedly.  (See viral post above). 

Down the Memory Hole - The Anthrax Mailings

Anthrax letter addressed to Senator Tom Daschle

Anthrax is a killer disease caused by bacillus anthracis, a rare bacterium that lives in certain animal products & spreads in the air via spores.  It causes 4 main types of infection:  skin, inhalation, injection & intestinal.  In the wake of 9/11, the U.S. was hit with a largely forgotten string of anthrax attacks through the U.S. mail.  The kind of anthrax involved was the inhalation type.  It was a "dry" powder rather than the "wet" type, the former of which requires more refining & is harder to contain during preparation, making it much more deadly.  More on that later.

It was only after the death of suspect Bruce Edwards Ivins in 2008 that the FBI declared him the likely anthrax mailer of 2001.  They did so with certainty even though nearly everyone who knew, worked with & cared about Ivins expressed serious doubts about his guilt.  Legal experts also raised concern that the case against Ivins never would've gotten far in court due to all the reasonable doubt present.  Furthermore, the FBI's previous person of interest, Steven Hatfill, had quietly been cleared & paid a $5.8 million dollar settlement after being wrongly hounded by the agency & media for months.  Was Ivins a convenient scapegoat or active perpetrator?  Or maybe a smaller player in a bigger conspiracy?

 
About Bruce Ivins

Bruce Edward Ivins

Bruce Ivins was born in 1946 to an unwilling mother who tried to abort him by throwing herself down the stairs, hitting her butt on every step on the way down.  She was cold & physically abusive at times, leading Bruce to become passive-aggressive with his emotions--particularly anger.  Like many troubled geniuses, Ivins was something of a "nutty professor" type but with a darker side that he hid quite well.  So well, in fact, that he had no trouble getting security clearance to work at the highest levels of the military with one of its most restricted bioweapons.  But then again, they never evaluated his psychiatric fitness in the first place back in 1980 when he was hired as a civilian microbiologist at Ft. Detrick.  In fact, he wasn't even banned from Army premises until July 17, 2008...less than 2 weeks before he committed suicide after a lengthy FBI investigation in the anthrax attacks.  

"When I get all steamed up, I don't pout.  I push Bruce Aside, then I'm free to run about!" 

(excerpt from a poem sent from Ivins to former colleague in December 2001)  

Bruce Ivins was successful as a scientist, husband & father with two adopted kids.  He lived in a nice neighborhood & was reasonably well-liked at work.  He enjoyed juggling & the TV show Survivor.  Yet he sought help from psychiatrists through the years for what he called "psychotic tendencies" & took a number of antidepressant & antipsychotic medications.  Dr. David Irwin, his psychiatrist in the late '90s, confided that Ivins was the "scariest patient" he had ever worked with.  Scarier yet, Ivins told his counselor in July 2000 that he'd planned to poison his former assistant Mara Linscott with cyanide, and that he'd previously procured ammonium nitrate to make a bomb.  Thankfully he never carried out these plots.  

Ivins in his youth

And then there's his well-documented obsession with Princeton sorority Kappa Kappa Gamma and his related stalking of one of its members.  This went on for decades, even after he was married with kids.  He once broke into sorority headquarters & stole their cipher--a secret book of rules & codes that he recited to the members when invited in off the street one night.  They called the cops on him post haste.  All this went unnoticed by the military until the post-2001 investigation.

So Ivins was certainly good for a crime like this on paper.  He had access to the anthrax, a devious interest in poisons & punishing people, a documented psychiatric history & a record of stalking/harassment.  His violent, erratic behavior would only escalate after the FBI began investigating him.

Digging Deeper

The evidence is suggestive but far from conclusive

But even if Bruce Ivins was "crazy" in general, what motive did he have to send anthrax through the mail?  The FBI's theory is that he was disgruntled about the failure of the anthrax vaccine, which had been blamed in part for causing Gulf War Syndrome by some veterans in the '90s & was being discontinued.  This was his baby; something he'd worked on for years to develop & now he was being told to switch his focus to some other germ, allegedly. 

But peers in the field say this is wrong--that Ivins actually stood to profit from his work on a new anthrax vaccine around the time of the 9/11 attacks.  All he needed was a big event to spark fears (and create a perceived demand) for the vaccine.  Perhaps this was it?  The FBI speculated that, since the anthrax letters instructed recipients to take antibiotics, the sender hadn't intended to actually kill anyone.  Rather, they just wanted to highlight the need for a preventative vaccine during an already safety-sensitive time.  Who better to do this than one of the co-inventors of the new anthrax vaccine?

There were a few holes with this theory, however. 

First, Ivins had no experience manufacturing dry anthrax.  None whatsoever.  His years in the lab were spent working with the "wet" variety which is much easier to handle & less likely to spread & contaminate others.  There were indeed no dead people or animals in the vicinity of Ivins' lab.  Secondly, the spores in the anthrax letter sent to Senator Daschle were tiny--1.5 to 3 micrometres across, many times smaller than the finest known grade produced by the Soviet or American bioweapons programs.  It also contained silicon, an anti-clumping additive, which suggests a high degree of sophistication.  The specialists at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory were unable to duplicate this effect after 56 attempts.  That's significant.  

Portion of the anthrax letter

One of the main accusations against Ivins was that he'd submitted a false set of anthrax samples to the FBI in 2002 as an attempt to throw them off his trail.  These samples didn't show the telltale genetic variants found in both the attack powder & Ivins' lab flask.  However, records obtained by ProPublica, Frontline & McClatchy show for the first time that this is not the case.  Ivins submitted at least THREE other samples after he supposedly tried to deceive investigators in April.  One of these was a match to the attack letter.  This debunks the charge that he was trying to cover his tracks.  Unfortunately, this information was kept from Ivins' lawyer Paul Kemp who was lead to believe his client had deceived the FBI.  How can an attorney defend against a claim he doesn't know isn't true?

There's also no evidence that Ivins made the trip to the mailbox from which the letter was sent.  (This mailbox was a relatively short distance from the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority headquarters).  Furthermore, the FBI lacked proof that Ivins had written the hateful letters meant to mimic Islamic terrorist threats.  There were also questions about the accuracy of the FBI's anthrax morph testers, which picked up conflicting results on the same test tube--one positive & the other negative.  

While Bruce Ivins still may have been involved in the anthrax attacks in some way, all of these flaws in the FBI's investigation would've been problematic in a court of law.  It's dubious for them to claim he would've been "convicted as the anthrax mailer--case closed" when their own evidence was so shaky & they'd already accused the wrong man (Hatfill) in such a public way.  While Ivins definitely had a dark past he deserved to be held accountable for, that doesn't prove he was responsible for the anthrax attacks.  There are a lot of creepy, unstable people walking among us--more than we'd like to imagine.  The percentage of them who go on to commit high-profile terrorist attacks is infinitesimally small.  



Mental Instability As Evidence

Bruce Ivins in his latter years

The problem with using Ivins' mental instability to retroactively prove his guilt is, that very same instability could've been what drove him to crack under the pressure of a high-stakes FBI investigation with life or even death in prison as the outcome.  Even if he was innocent, the fear of being railroaded & having some of his unrelated dark secrets exposed by the agency could've been too much to bear.  (He claimed he liked to dress in women's clothes & engage in other "kinks" during one interrogation).  Someone with a loose grip on reality or schizotypal personality under that kind of stress could easily slip into paranoid delusions that cause them to say or do things that look suspicious independent of their actual innocence or guilt.  Imagine having your darkest secrets exposed to your kids, wife & co-workers.  The FBI doesn't play.  

Ivins allegedly made violent threats at a therapy group shortly before his suicide according to his therapist Jean Duley.  He also made a "confession" to sending the anthrax letters, claiming he never meant for anyone to die.  While that sounds damning, remember that false confessions are not rare by any means.  Most of his co-workers, friends & family do not support the idea that Bruce was the culprit of this brutal crime.  His funeral & obituary gave no hint of the investigation he was under; he was remembered fondly by those who knew him.  Fellow researcher Henry S. Heine compared accusing Ivins of the crime to "tracing a murder to a store clerk who sold bullets to the actual shooter" & claimed "none of the senior scientists [at the Army's biodefense lab] believed he was guilty".

There are a lot of questions & some residual anger at the FBI for what happened to Mr. Ivins.  He ended his life with a painful Tylenol overdose on July 29, 2008, after a previous suicide attempt shortly before.  The signs were all there:  this was a deeply troubled man who couldn't take the pressure of a lengthy federal investigation.  If they were going to apprehend him, they should've either shat or got off the pot rather than stalking & surveying him, digging through his garbage & interrogating him at work in front of peers.  That would be enough to cause even the most stable person severe distress.  

According to this creepy article, the FBI literally stalked the Ivins family for months:  

Ivins complained privately that FBI agents had offered his son, Andy, $2.5 million, plus “the sports car of his choice” late last year if he would turn over evidence implicating his father in the anthrax attacks, according to a former U.S. scientist who described himself as a friend of Ivins.

Ivins also said the FBI confronted Ivins’ daughter, Amanda, with photographs of victims of the anthrax attacks and told her, “This is what your father did,” according to the scientist, who spoke only on condition of anonymity because their conversation was confidential.

Ivins' co-workers weren't spared either.  One man was hounded until he "sat at his desk & wept."  Ask yourself:  Would this kind of treatment by one of the nation's most powerful agencies cause YOU to crack under pressure?  

Retrospective

In the years since 9/11, the deadly anthrax attacks seem to have disappeared down the memory hole for the most part.  But why?  If this lone nut truly acted alone, how culpable is the U.S. military for not bothering to do a mental health or background check before hiring him to work with such a deadly substance?  And what if he's NOT the only player in the attacks?  What if he wasn't involved at all?  

I think it's possible he was involved but did not act alone.  Maybe his samples were hijacked by someone with ill intent without his knowledge.  The sophistication of the materials suggests government involvement, just as the plutonium poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko did with the Russian government.  Perhaps that's why the anthrax mailings are buried in our collective consciousness & nearly lost to history--they'd rather we forget they ever happened.  

I suspect the attacks were used as yet another justification to go to war with Iraq/Afghanistan by implying they had "weapons of mass destruction" at a time when the country was already reeling from the plane hijackings.  In fact, it was claimed that the anthrax came from an Iraqi source at one point though this was roundly debunked.  The fact that it's the Ames strain & of such high quality proves it was made in a government lab most likely on American soil.  The only question is whether Bruce Edward Ivins was solely, partially or not at all responsible for its creation & mailing.  His conveniently timed death means we'll probably never know.             

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What in the French Fried Fuck Was Wrong With Fred Phelps?!

So, Louis Theroux has a new-ish 2019 documentary on the Westboro Baptist Church called "Surviving America's Most Hated Family".  I would link it here except all the links get taken down due to copyright claims.  But I was able to find a live one last night & check it out.  I've been on a WBC binge ever since.  They're like a slow-motion trainwreck you can't look away from.  They once came to my state & picketed...a tornado or something.  I forget.  But they got chased right the fuck out.

Anyway, I've been interested in the psychology of a family of apparently bright lawyers--11 in all counting Grampa Phelps--who would risk their livelihoods with such a public display of weirdness.  Weirder still, Pastor Fred Phelps was once known for his work as a Civil Rights attorney, often working for free to defend poor Black clients in segregationist Kansas who couldn't afford to pay him.  His family endured taunts like "n***** lover" for years, which he appears to have taken in stride.  Daughter Shirley Phelps-Roper proudly boasts, "We took on the Jim Crow establishment, and Kansas did not take that sitting down."  Indeed, he got much press & attention for his confrontational style in the courtroom which likely kicked off his thirst for media attention later on.  (Not unlike how a Munchausen mom gets addicted to causing sickness in her child after a real illness that garners sympathy).

Even in his youth (he had the crazy eyes)...

Since Shirley & his other kids grew up being bullied and called names like this, they never knew anything else.  Thus they learned to endure & eventually revel in it like their dad.  But their undying devotion likely has darker origins.  According to departed ex-member Nathan Phelps, father Fred was physically abusive to his wife & kids in the extreme.  "He used his fists. He used his knees and he used ... the handle of a mattock," said Phelps, referring to a pick-like digging tool. "He used that in such a way that it split the skin on the back of the kid's legs so they bled."  He beat his wife so badly that she still has a destroyed right shoulder & bone fragments.  He also liked drinking & prescription pills, attempting an overdose in 1968.  All this undoubtedly shaped his children's views in a major way by giving them lifelong fucking trauma.  (I have little-to-no sympathy for adults who fail to form their own views independent of their parents & even less for those who mindlessly impose hateful views on their children, but it's still important to understand why people are the way they are).

While it's easy to understand why the Phelps kids & grandkids would fall into this sticky trap of crazy, it's much harder to grasp why outsiders would willingly migrate to Topeka, KS, & adopt this oppressive belief system.  Who would put a target on their back to join America's Most Hated Family?  Other nutbars, that's who.  People trickle in from all over the world:  the UK, Asia & various blue states to live & worship with the Westboro Baptists.  They even got a new convert in 2019:  a pansexual man named "J".  (No, really).  Current leader Steve Drain is a so-called outsider who originally came to film a documentary called "Hatemongers" in 2000.  But he was sucked in by the rhetoric & ended up moving his wife & kids to Kansas to join the WBC.  (His daughters Lauren & Libby have since defected, thankfully).  Since Fred Phelps' death, Steve Drain has engaged in a hostile takeover, gathering the elder males of the church behind Shirley's back & appointing himself the de-facto leader by virtue of his maleness.

The lovely Steve Drain

Since Shirley Phelps-Roper & her sisters were always such a frontline force within the church, it's a bit disgusting that this "outsider" would pull rank like this, using scripture to justify his sexism.  But I suppose this is her karma after years of loudly picketing the funerals of soldiers & hate crimes and indoctrinating her own kids--3 of whom have now defected themselves.  Still, it's hard to watch this aging grandmother struggle with the conflict between her deeply ingrained brainwashing & raw human emotions.  She's not only lost her family but also her standing within the cult.  The video below is actually heartbreaking to watch:

However, I'm snapped back to reality when I see her daughter Meagan's reaction to being shunned & ignored by her family after leaving the church.  No matter how these people came to these views, they've continued clinging to them LONG after the age of consent and are now punishing their innocent kids for simply being born & not drinking the Kool-Aid.  Any ideology that would have you disown your offspring simply for not sharing your beliefs is a CULT by definition.

Ironically, it's rumored that Pastor Fred Phelps had a sudden change of heart shortly before his death, telling church elders he wanted to soften the direction of the teachings & even uttering to the gay people in the rainbow-colored Equality House "You're good people."  (WTF?)  Whether that was dementia or a moment of genuine clarity after a lifetime of hate is anyone's guess.  Fittingly, he was de-throned for this 'blasphemous' act by Steve Drain & co and spent his final days mostly alone.  I suppose this was his karma after years of abuse, harassment & hate speech.  And the cycle continues.

Messages on the Equality House <3

So my take on these people, particularly founder Fred Phelps, is that he was a mouthy contrarian lawyer who got addicted to conflict & the "fighting the establishment" during the Civil Rights era.  When his star faded in that arena (he was disbarred in the 1980's for being an abusive dick in the courtroom), he turned his wrath toward the issue of gays in the local park who would "cruise" for lovers.  He enlisted his family to make colorful signs & the rest is history.  The media couldn't get enough of the GOD HATES FAGS people.  Phelps was a true narcissist through & through, involving himself in politics (once supporting Al & Tipper Gore, oddly) and going on daytime talk shows like Ricki Lake to push his agenda throughout the '90s.  By the 2000's, the lawsuits had started rolling in.  This was Peak Phelps in his prime.  Watch the "Hatemongers" documentary for a glimpse of his unbridled ego in this period.  It would almost be amusing if there weren't so many victims at his feet.  Almost.

If there's a devil, he looks like this pastor.

But to truly find out what makes these people tick, listen to the stories of defected family members Meagan, Nathan, Grace Phelps and Lauren & Libby Drain.  They know where the proverbial bodies are buried.  I suspect they could write many tell-all books on the abuse they suffered as kids in this hellfire-oriented religion.  But so far, they haven't.  They just want to live their lives and have access to their families, which won't happen as long as the cult mindset gets in the way.  And that's entirely up to their parents who were once victims of horrific abuse themselves.

Meagan Phelps-Roper's TED Talk

People have asked whether Fred was a closeted gay man himself, which is a fair question considering his apparent obsession with this one particular "sin" for so many years.  There is evidence that homophobes are often gay themselves & simply projecting their feelings of discomfort onto others.  Not exactly shocking if you have even a base knowledge of psychology.  But I know of no evidence that Phelps was gay.  His obsession seems to have started when gay men in Gage Park attempted to come onto him and his grandson (allegedly).  What's more likely is that he saw local news stories about gays "cruising" for lovers there & got paranoid.  (This is covered in detail in the Hatemongers documentary).

What we do know is he cut ties with his parents & siblings in early adulthood because his dad was not pleased with his decision to become a pastor.  This undoubtedly fed his rage in a general sense, particularly toward the military.  His father had wanted him to stay in the U.S. Military Academy at West Point which he had paid a lot of $$$ to get him into.  But Fred dropped out after a tent revival & the rest is shitty history.  Might he have had a negative experience at the Military Academy...perhaps with sexual assault by a male?  Rape in the military is nearly as rampant as it is in prison so it's a possibility.  There's no way to know, but something definitely happened to turn this man into a hate-filled monster.  Just check out his smirking, belligerent behavior below:

Phelps on Ricki Lake (1993)

In any case, Pastor Fred is dead but the church lives on.  Its message appears somewhat toned down & former leaders have been reduced to supporting roles.  Where rage & vitriol once fueled their sense of purpose, there's now a somber mood instead.  Will the Westboro Baptist Church survive this dark period?  Only time will tell.  What's clear is they are a symptom of a much bigger illness in society--the fatalistic, judgmental attitudes of certain religious people who think they have the answers to all of life & death's mysteries.  The tendency for humans to create God in our image is never so striking as when crusty old Fred Phelps screams "God Hates Fags!"  No sir, YOU hate "fags" and are using the Bible to justify & obscure your bigotry.  At least have the guts to own your feelings.

  

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The Lasting 'High' of Meditation

I know, I know:  everyone's heard about the benefits of meditation & why you should do it.  Almost like some kind of cult, right?  What good does sitting in a lotus position & not thinking about anything for 20 minutes actually do?  Is it a test of wills, or some hippie scam?

For me, every previous attempt at meditation failed miserably.  My internal bodily sensations drove me mad & were magnified by the stillness.  Every tick-tock of the clock made me want to punch a wall.  I had no idea HOW to meditate & gave up every time out of frustration.  Hence my desperate need for inner stillness.  I've always been an impatient person who gets overloaded by my 5 senses & annoyed at people's shortcomings.  I can't focus for shit & have generally low self-esteem.  No amount of medication or therapy has remedied these things entirely.

That's where meditation comes in.

With the new year on the horizon, I decided to try out a meditation app to see if I could give it one last try.  I was not hopeful.  My therapist has given me brief tastes of meditation/visualization in our sessions, which I did get some benefit from.  But her calming voice is not always available to guide me & keep me on track so I generally haven't explored it after our appointments ended.  As stated, I have serious problems with focus & commitment to things that require sustained effort for long-term rewards.  It's a big part of why I'm drawn to the quick gratification of drugs, in fact.


A Lightbulb Moment

The turning point was learning how to meditate & what the actual objective is.  Entire books could be written about this subject (and have been) but the overarching idea is rather simple:  stay in the present moment & remain calm/focused through any negative thought or sensation.  There are a number of apps & websites that can help with this.  For me what worked is listening to an audible guide while meditating.  Calm.com offers free "how to meditate" 12-14 minute sessions that did me wonders.  Simply staring at their calming background scenes is relaxing af.  You can do that the first time you meditate if closing your eyes doesn't feel natural. 

There is no special position you need to sit in (if you choose to sit at all) & you don't have to focus on your breath or any other specific thing.  That's up to you.  The goal is to position your body in a comfortable-but-alert pose where you feel relaxed but don't fall asleep.  If you can do that lying down or standing on your head, great.  Experiment a little until you find what position you like best.  Any sensations that pop up or thoughts that come into your head should be observed but not assigned a judgment or emotion.  Just watch them float by like clouds.  Let yourself drift into a trance listening to the sounds around you & feeling the air on your skin.  Your 5 senses will become a help rather than a hindrance as you get the hang of it.  As you get more comfortable with the technique, you can opt to "take off the training wheels" so to speak & meditate without an audible guide if you like.  Or not.  There is no right or wrong way. 

I have a lot of physical pain in my head, stomach & other places.  Fatigue too.  I'm generally unhealthy compared to most people my age.  The rumbling of my stomach or pain in my neck was a massive distraction when I first started meditating...not gonna lie.  But once you push yourself to sit through it you will find those things easier to deal with when you're NOT meditating.  I think it's worth 10-20 minutes of your day to feel better the rest of the time.



How It Works

Different types of meditation alter different brain centers (source: Forbes)

A lot of us are outer-directed, taking our cues on how to feel based on external events.  Getting stuck in traffic, unexpected plan changes & other people's moods can wear on us until we feel stuck in a loop of frustration & pessimism.  Regular meditation helps turn the focus inward & train the brain to stay even-keeled in those situations.

It does this by bringing about a state called the "Relaxation Response," which is essentially the opposite of the fight-or-flight response.  While you may not achieve deep relaxation with every meditation, when you do it's quite powerful.  This state is somewhere between sleep & alertness (but something else entirely) and can be compared to sitting on the porch at dusk watching lightning bugs flutter by without really thinking about anything--just taking in the sounds, smells, feelings & other sensations around you.  There are other ways to access this state, such as yoga, massage or visualization, but meditation seems to be especially effective.

Stress is toxic to our body on a physical level.  Meditation helps counteract the effects of stress, particularly in depressed or anxious people who tend to ruminate on negative thoughts & memories.  The benefits of stress relief are almost endless:  improved focus, more resilience, a calmer approach to life's unexpected ups & downs, stronger emotional control & better physical health.  Meditation has shown benefits in conditions ranging from PTSD to gastrointestinal disorders like IBS, though the jury is still out scientifically on just how helpful it is.  But the evidence is strong for its use in a number of other common disorders such as depression, chronic pain & anxiety.


What Meditation DOESN'T Do

Beware of corporate or overly dogmatic applications of meditation

Meditation is awesome but it's not a panacea.  It won't cure your physical pain or whatever's causing it, though it might help you learn to focus your attention elsewhere so your mind doesn't get caught up in the suffering associated with it.  It won't magically relieve mood, thought or anxiety disorders or replace therapy & medication (or whatever prescribed treatment you're currently using).  It's merely an adjunct to these things... a tool that can help you re-frame your problems in a more manageable & positive light.

Perhaps most importantly, meditation is not a substitute for assertiveness in your day-to-day life.  It's not about becoming passive & receptive to unjust conditions or putting up with an abusive relationship (which you should always strive to LEAVE rather than tolerate).  And it can be hijacked by corporations, cults & other entities for purposes such as these.  This is why it's best to follow your own path & avoid dogma of any kind.  Treat meditation like exercise or any other healthy habit & you'll get the most out of it with the least potential for harm.  Even Calm.com requires payments of $69.99 per year to access their full program, which is not cheap for a lot of us.  So be mindful of where & with whom you meditate (see what I did there?).

In conclusion, there is definitely a lasting sense of peace & inner control that comes from meditation.  One could even compare it to a high of sorts.  The key is consistency & practice, and not setting unrealistic expectations.  If nothing else, you're setting aside a few minutes each day for yourself to be alone & relax.  That's a great habit to get into in this high-pressure capitalist society.

THC & CBD for Menstrual Maladies

Despite half the (cannabis using & human) population being female, not much is written about the plant's interaction with the menstrual cycle or how its main components--THC & CBD--may help with common complaints like PMS or cramps.  Women as far back as Queen Victoria have used cannabis to alleviate painful periods, and there are all kinds of products in today's market aimed at women, such as Foria & Whoopi Goldberg's "Whoopi And Maya" line.  Are they worth the dough or just a bunch of hype?

Hormones have a profound effect on the mind & body--almost like a drug themselves.  The number of conditions affected by the female hormones estrogen & progesterone are numerous; a few of them include:   PCOS, endometriosis, migraine, PMS/PMDD & uterine fibroids.  Autoimmune diseases like multiple sclerosis & lupus also affect women disproportionately.  While not a panacea, weed can help with the pain, nausea, depressed mood & spasticity associated with these conditions if used in the right doses at the right time.  The trick is finding the route of administration & product that works best for you.

THC & CBD are not the only substances in cannabis though they are the most abundant & most physically active in humans.  Together they have a synergistic effect, enhancing the impact of each other in a way that makes the overall experience more pleasant.  THC is the "psychedelic" mind-altering one that affects perception of time & causes the munchies, giddiness, laughter & intoxication classically associated with the plant.  CBD has essentially the opposite effect, acting as a mild anti-psychotic with relaxing effects that quiet the mind.  It can also stop a bad THC "trip" in its tracks if you get too high. 

Different strains of cannabis contain different amounts of THC & CBD.  There really is no "best strain for PCOS" or any other condition; if you want something high in CBD, simply type "CBD strains" in to Leafly.com or Wikileaf.com & see what pops up.  The majority of medical strains are selected for their soaring THC content, usually upwards of 19%, so that's not hard to find.  Much is made of the Sativa/Indica distinction but research has shown that most strains are a hybrid of both these days.  Terpene content is the most accurate indicator of effects:  limonene & pinene are associated with a more uplifting, focused & invigorating effect while linalool, myrcene & caryophyllene are more pain-relieving & relaxing.  These terpenes can be detected just by smelling the buds in many cases. 


Breaking It Down

Understanding cannabis helps you rise above the BS.

Not all cannabis & hemp products are created equal, especially when it comes to CBD.  This booming market is entirely unregulated & products often contain little or none of the CBD advertised on the label.  Oils, gummies & topical formulations are less concentrated & thus less likely to be effective than isolates that contain 98-99% pure CBD in solid form.  As for route of administration, sublingual (under the tongue) and vaporized are the most direct way to ingest CBD so it bypasses first-pass metabolism & isn't destroyed by stomach acid.

If you prefer full-spectrum effects, you can smoke hemp/CBD flower which contains all the other cannabinoids & terpenes that occur naturally in the plant.  Both hemp flower & CBD isolate are legal in all 50 states, though full-spectrum CBD products can cause you to fail a drug test since they contain trace amounts of THC.  If this is a problem for you, stick to isolates.  Always choose brands that offer 3rd party lab tests for pesticides, heavy metals & diluents like Vitamin E acetate.

As for THC, I find that most products from licensed medical dispensaries are reliable in the general sense.  If you're new to THC, always start low & go slow so you don't trigger a panic attack.  According to Leafly.com, THC sensitivity is highest in the first two weeks of your cycle (the Estrus Phase) & decreases a bit during the 2nd two weeks (Diestrus Phase).  In my case, THC makes me paranoid & aggravates my migraines if taken during Week 3 of my cycle (PMS week) when I already feel moody.  I respond best during period time (Week 4) and neutrally during the Estrus Phase.  Everyone is different so keeping a journal can help you track your progress & reactions during various points in your cycle.

Here is a great list of weed products for endometriosis & vulvodynia pain.  I've reviewed several THC edibles & other medicinals that I loved from medical dispensaries in my state, as well as some CBD products that offer lab testing & are affordable.  If you live in an illegal state, you'll have to obtain your weed from the black market.  Always opt for plain bud in the black market & avoid THC vape carts since they're often contaminated with toxic lung-injurious agents like mineral oil or Vitamin E acetate.  Sadly, even edibles can be laced with fentanyl & other deadly cuts these days, hence why plain flower is the safest bet.  It's not common but fentanyl analogues have turned up in every illegal drug on the market so better not to risk it.



Weed Where the Sun Don't Shine

Weed "tampon"

Two products I'm dying to try are cannabis suppositories & weed "tampons".  Sounds weird but it also makes sense that putting the medicine close to the source of pain would be most effective.  Tommy Chong uses weed suppositories to treat his rectal cancer, as he attested to in a recent interview.  (He's also covering his bet with chemo & other proven treatments which is important to note).  One suppository costs $20 at my local dispensary so I haven't gotten around to trying them yet, but I'll post a review when I do.  There have been times I've hurt so bad I considered going to the ER for endometriosis pain & nausea & weed was the only thing that touched the pain.  I highly recommend it for acute pain caused by uterine spasms in endometriosis & PCOS.

I've heard from a prominent weed reviewer online that the Foria suppositories were messy & not worth the money.  When all else fails, smoking some good old flower is a reliable & fast way to treat severe pain or nausea associated with menstrual problems.  I find that THC worsens my migraine pain slightly, especially when taken during Week 3 of my cycle.  That's easily remedied by substituting CBD isolate during that week.  As a side note:  CBD has been a more effective preventative for my migraines than Topiramate or anything else, though it may not work for everyone.  It won't abort a migraine in progress but it does reduce the overall number of them when taken daily & consistently.  Your mileage may vary.


Summary

So what's hope & what's hype?  Every lady will have to determine that for herself, as we're all unique & have different needs.  I will say that many product lines are overpriced & don't have any benefits that can't be gotten for much cheaper elsewhere.  Once you understand the basics of THC & CBD, you can cut through the marketing hype much easier.  For instance:  'Hemp seed oil' is not the same as 'Hemp oil' & contains no CBD.  Many CBD companies use deceptive labeling to mislead buyers into thinking they've got a medicinal CBD product when they don't.  Always look for the actual mg of CBD in the product; not the mL of oil or total weight of the product.  If it's not listed, put it back.

Don't be fooled: hemp seed oil doesn't contain CBD

Ditto for THC & whole cannabis--if the label or budtender can't tell you whether an item is full-spectrum or how it was extracted (or whatever major detail you want to know), don't buy it.  Don't pay a premium for essential oils or other expensive additives; you can always add those yourself if you want.  Topical products like lotions & bath salts can be tempting to try, but taking cannabis internally is by far the most effective route.  There are cannabinoid receptors in the skin but they absorb weed products so slowly you aren't likely to detect any noticeable effect (with the exception of vaginal or rectal use, which can cause a psychoactive effect if the THC dose is high enough).  Topicals are most effective for skin conditions like eczema, hives, shingles & others that are merely "skin-deep".

If you have severe menstrual or related conditions, weed alone is unlikely to be a total cure but it can be a useful tool in your toolbox.  The risks are relatively low compared to most prescription & OTC treatment options so you may as well try it.

Reflecting On the 2010's: A Long, Strange Trip

As the decade draws to a close, it's a good time to reflect on the past 10 years to see where we went right & what we'd like to improve on in the coming decade.  Since this is primarily a drug blog, I figured I'd do a little reminiscing on my decade of substance use & try to plan what I'd like the "roaring 20's" to look like in this regard.  If you'd like to join me, read on.

Post your favorites!

What drugs did you use in the 2010-2019 period?  My favorites were as follows:

Stimulant/Empathogen:  Methylone.  This magical powder got me out of the house & back in the game when I was feeling low.  Often called "MDMA-lite," methylone felt far less neurotoxic & could be re-dosed over & over for its short-lived rush of euphoria & energy.  It was by far the most benign feeling substituted cathinone of the early 2010's & I was bummed to see it get banned.  I found it more similar to what I expected Ecstasy to be like than actual MDMA was, actually.  My introvert ass even went to clubs & danced with the powdered courage of bk-MDMA.

Opioid/Depressant:  OxyContin 20 mg (old formulation).  It was a close call between the new & old formulations, but the new ones that break down slowly irritate my mouth terribly & cause ulcers on my lips.  Both provide a long-acting rush of hypomanic energy & euphoria that I'd indulge in daily if I could.  I miss having a cheap hookup for these badboys but am probably better off without the temptation.  I was paying $6 per pill while most people were paying $1 per mg. for legit Oxy...or getting burned with fentanyl bombs.  This blessing wasn't lost on me.

Psychedelic/Dissociative:  4-AcO-DMT.   I'm no hallucinogen fan, but I did try a lot of them this decade.  4-AcO was probably the best overall in terms of the reliability of effects.  It's nearly identical to a shroom trip in both feeling & duration, providing 4 hours of trippy tryptamine effects from 25-30 mg.  Bonus:  None of the nausea or nasty taste of shrooms.

Weed Strain or Product:  Simple Cure gummies, Indica-dominant.  I smoked a lot of strains in the 2010's, including some I grew myself & were damn dank.  But my fave weed product had to be Simple Cure gummies (Indica-dominant over Sativa by a hair).  They're easy to dose, taste okay & provide instant effects for me.  So much more discreet than smoking & none of the unknowns of vaping.



LOWLIGHTS

What drugs from the 2010's would you never touch again?

Stimulant/Empathogen:  MDPV.  Worst.  Stimulant.  Ever.  Caused severe palpitations & shortness of breath in the most minute doses not much bigger than a pinhead.  My stomach gradually got more bloated the longer I used it until I spent the night vomiting/shitting my guts out.  Threw my remaining half-gram in the trash the following day.  This stuff is an asthma attack in powder form.  And I don't have asthma.

Opioid/Depressant:  Phenazepam.  This crap caused a multi-day blackout in which I thought I had mad cow disease.  No lie.  If my ex hadn't been there I could've seriously injured myself.  I ended up eating a gram of ethylphenidate in 2 days while blacked out, among other things.  Runner Up:  Etizolam.  Not to be taken daily or long-term unless you want to end up a broken sack of panic & depression.  Fuck benzos forever.

Psychedelic:  6-Apb.  Took a tablet of this before a social event expecting a 4-FA like experience of euphoria & chattiness since that's what everyone online described.  Ended up with something resembling a cross between mescaline & shrooms.  I looked pale & sickly and left the event early, riding out the rest of the trip in bed for a grand total of 9 hours.  Felt toxic & nasty.  Never again.

Weed Strain or Product:  Spice (synthetic cannabinoids).  Fuck everything about these chemicals.  I hit a bong-load of it with a friend & got way too intoxicated but managed to keep my shit together.  Luckily this was one of the early JWH compounds & not some of the stuff that makes people bleed to death, but I realized later how lucky I was not to have reacted with a seizure or worse.



WISH LIST FOR 2020's

What's on your list?

Here are just a few of the goodies from each class I'd like to try this decade.  What's on your list?

Stimulant/Empathogen:  Desoxyn, phendimetrazine, amineptine, khat.  Want to secure a Rx for amphetamines (Dexedrine, Adderall, etc) at some point too.  I've made due with Benzedrex & various research chemicals or herbs all these years & it's time to treat my ADD properly.

Opioid/Depressant:  Dilaudid, methaqualone, barbiturates other than butalbital, GHB, buprenorphine.  Though I'd be fine with more of what I've already tried.  These are just bonuses.

Psychedelic/Dissociative:  Ketamine (nasal spray or oral lozenge).  My psychiatrist brought it up so it's on my mind.

Weed Strain or Product:  Blue Diesel, Strawberry Satori, Golden Pineapple, Kaua'i Electric & literally any landrace from the '60s/'70s.  As for products, I've been eyeballing THC lip gloss, weed inhalers, rosin, live resin cartridges, suppositories & transdermal patches on the dispensary websites.

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Honestly, I've tried just about everything I care to try & am cool to just have a steady stash of stimulants & opioids for daily low-dose use like I've been doing since I was a teen.  The only thing I really regret this past decade is the etizolam abuse; the health effects & fallout in my relationship were not even close to worth it.  I wouldn't trade the other drug experiences though.  I know I've got to slow down as my 30's progress if I want to have good health & longevity.  And I have slowed way down in the last few years.

Overall, the 2010's were a decade of drastic experimentation & change...both good & bad.  I tried meth & LSD one time each, delved deep into RC's (and back out), pulled myself out of the deepest mental health hole of my life during etizolam withdrawal, got to try a bunch of prescription stimulants I'd always wanted to try, went to a ton of festivals where I tripped my balls off & finally got to experiment with growing my own weed.  I also got my medical marijuana card--a lifelong dream.  I'm a work in progress but I'm proud of where I am today.  (Of course that's not ALL I accomplished but, again, this is a drug blog so I'm leaving my personal info out lol).

I plan to spend New Year's Eve in my room with some weed candies, Fioricet & codeine watching the big countdown on TV.  No fake friends or exes to placate this year.  What are your plans for NYE and the new year?  How will you hold yourself accountable beyond the first few weeks of January?  Sound off in the comments!