Greener Pastures: Why Modern Relationships Don't Last

 

Why don't relationships last these days?  It's a question I hear a lot and one of the last conversations I had with my late grandma, who was married to my grandpa for over 70 years.  She barely survived a year after he passed and while I knew they loved each other, I always thought he needed her far more than she needed him, as he was the "stay at home" partner.  But I'd badly misjudged their relationship.  💔

I've noticed several glaring reasons relationships today fail so fast, most of which boil down to pathetically short attention spans & sensation-seeking behavior & refusal to work for delayed rewards.  This isn't entirely the younger generation's fault as a lot of it stems from having devices shoved in their faces since birth.  But some of it is just egotistical "me-me-me" behavior... having no regard for the other person's feelings.  People want to be in the falling-in-love stage perpetually but bail when shit gets real.  Not even hard or stressful, just slightly less exciting and novel.  When the conversation shifts to bills, laundry, taxes, doctor's appointments and all the other tedious parts of day-to-day life that aren't overly stressful but also not enchanting & magical... things any long-term couple will have to deal with in addition to the really big stuff like money problems, communication issues, health woes and much more.  Speaking of technology (huh?)...

📱💻  Relationships today don't last because people keep one foot in the relationship and the other in dating & hookup apps, social media and other online platforms where inappropriate relationships are secretly nurtured as a Plan B (and sometimes Plan C, D, etc).  They never stop playing the digital field, keeping many eggs in many baskets while allegedly being faithful in meatspace.  When you have a big blowout fight & send them to the couch to reflect overnight, they're actually checking their DMs to distract themselves and boost their ego rather than thinking about it at all due to an inability to sit with uncomfortable thoughts.  And then you wonder how they moved on so quickly after you broke up...  


🗣🤔  Relationships today don't last because people let their family and friends get in their head, criticizing their partner to a toxic and unhealthy degree.  Of course you should listen if they're concerned about something like verbal/physical/financial abuse, serious addiction problems or other illegal, abusive behaviors, but if their concerns are strictly superficial--looks, age, income, race, sex/gender, religion, etc--that's none of their business because it has no bearing on whether the person is capable of loving you & meeting your emotional needs in a romantic relationship.  They should only care about your happiness/safety and that you're not being put in harm's way.  Things like "take your time and get to know them before committing" are always sound advice & should be welcome.  "He's 50 lbs. overweight" & "she's not in our social class" are not.  

They may mean well, but it's common for loved ones to overstep here because it's easy to project what they want for themselves onto you.  You just have to be willing to put up a firm boundary because talking behind a partner's back accomplishes nothing and tends to worsen relationship problems & create new tensions within the family.  If you're truly concerned about something, talk TO your mate or seek advice from a neutral 3rd party like a therapist, (sane) religious authority or couples' counselor. 


🪞👸🏻  Relationships these days don't last because people want a carbon copy of themselves rather than someone who complements them and creates a balanced unit.  This is due to rising rates of narcissism, a nasty condition that demands a mirror image rather than someone who will dissent and challenge one's own views on things or require any amount of compromise.  The old saying "opposites attract" isn't ringing true anymore for this reason, and it's further weakening the already fractured family unit. 

A healthy relationship should be a democracy, not a cult of personality.  Couples break up at the first little disagreement or difficulty, throwing away what could've been a great bond had they stayed and worked at it.  That requires patience, assertive two-way communication and cooperation for those who weren't aware.  While some issues like wanting/not wanting kids are instant deal breakers, most other differences can be worked through with enough communication and mutual respect.

U.S. divorce rates spiked in the '70s & have remained high

👷🏼‍♀👩🏽‍🔧  Relationships today don't last because both partners work outside the home and often longer than the standard 8-hour workday (often for no overtime and sometimes for no pay at all for those extra hours), leaving little time or energy for connection.  Unfortunately this isn't always a matter of choice, but how you spend your downtime certainly is.  My rule of thumb:  It's fine to cancel plans or change them at the last minute occasionally--emergencies happen--but your partner should not be the only person you feel comfortable doing this with.  If it's always the partner and never the coworker, friend, boss or acquaintance that takes the raincheck, that's a lack of respect that will eventually lead to resentment. 

My family has had several 50, 60 & 70+ year marriages and every last one consisted of couples where 1 person worked and the other stayed home.  It wasn't always the woman who stayed home, nor was it always to take care of small kids.  If there's no one focusing on the home and relationship--planning date nights regularly, letting the repairman in, doing the laundry/vacuuming/dusting/windows/other chores; dealing with the landlord or nosy neighbor, making a monthly budget, running that last-minute errand before the bank or store closes, booking the flight, planning the romantic getaway, handling lawn & landscaping tasks & doing the 101 other tasks that go into keeping up a home and relationship--it can pile up and create additional stress for the couple. It might be unpaid work, but it IS work.  Only in the last 30 years or so did society start viewing it as laziness and we're paying dearly with our divorce rates and feral children.  

Also, when partners become 2 ships passing in the night while forming little "work crushes" with coworkers because that's who they spend all their time with, little problems can snowball fast.  If at least one person isn't doing that, it helps anchor the relationship to a firm foundation.  It has nothing to do with women specifically having jobs, it's the fact that it's no longer a choice and that even a 2-partner income is often not enough to cover the cost of living when you factor in college debt, medical costs, childcare, housing and all the rest.  That's a lot of stress on a relationship.  That was not the case in my childhood when one person (a man) could support a whole family on his income alone without a college degree & retire at 55 with a fat retirement package/401k & something to leave for his 4 kids.  This was at an "unskilled" manual labor job, mind you.

📸🤩  Lastly, modern relationships don't last because people are more concerned with appearances than reality.  The superficial surface shit.  Looking happy > being happy.  Style over substance.  Impressing friends, family, community & even strangers.  More effort goes into the wedding than the marriage...  The photos of the trip than the actual vacation...  The outfit and decorations than the event itself.   One day your friend's gushing about how HAPPY they are in their relationship and the next week they're single as a Pringle.  The rule of thumb is that the more vocal about being "happy" a person is, the less happy they are in reality. 

True happiness is evident in a person's smile, their laughter, their glow and aura.  The way they elevate others & light up a room when they walk in.  One thing they don't do is throw around the world "happy" constantly.  True contentment and joy require you to be present in the moment, which means not focusing on convincing others or putting on an act.  It requires ongoing effort to sustain, and if you're putting that effort (or money, time, etc) into maintaining the facade, we know where it's not going.  Better to keep your private life private and let people fill in the blanks.  It's fine to take pride in how certain big things look but not at the expense of your quality of life.  It's okay to be real and vulnerable--to not be "winning" all the time.  In fact, it's human.  

. 。・゜✭・.・✫゜・。.. 。・゜✭・.・✫゜・。.. 。・゜✭・.・✫゜・。.. 。・゜✭・.・

So what's this single woman doing giving relationship advice?  The same thing I'm doing giving my unsolicited opinion on everything else on this blog.  Take it or leave it.  😛  I would've stayed in my last relationship forever if it was up to me.  I'm about as low-maintenance as they come and am generally easy-going as long as I'm not being cheated on, lied to or demeaned.  I'm not perfect but I'm not deceitful or confused about what I want in life either.  Alas, it was she who had a midlife crisis and broke every promise she ever made about who she was (not actually gay) and what she really wanted in life (children at 40).  So be it. 

I'm perfectly content with my solitude and controlling every aspect of my daily life without the drama of an unstable relationship.  I used to think I could never survive living completely on my own, but it turns out I'm equally happy single or in a healthy relationship as long as it's low on the unnecessary drama.  So I'll let fate decide.  What's meant for me won't miss me.  I have to believe that.  🌠