The Pitfalls of Intermittent Reinforcement in Parenting

How inconsistent discipline leads to bad behavior.

 


You know what's worse than never disciplining your kid?  Only disciplining them some of the time.  Yep, it's true.  This is the big secret that "they" don't want you to know.  Who's "they?  The people who own social media, casinos, the drug pushers & those who peddle other potentially addictive things. 

That's because nothing gets you hooked faster than intermittent reinforcement, i.e. the unpredictable nature of a thing.  Last time you checked your Facebook updates they were dry, but THIS time there could be a message from your crush!  Last time you went inside your favorite store it was picked-over and pricey, but THIS time there could be a huge sale!  The last 3 times you played slots at the casino you lost money, but THIS time.... you get the picture.  💌🏬🎰

This is how it works with parenting too.  If you threaten a punishment but only follow through some of the time for that behavior, the kid will learn that you're not reliable and they'll test you to see whether they can get away with it this time.  It becomes a game of chance with a slightly addictive quality.  The same applies to animal training to a lesser extent.  Hence why it's so important to be consistent with your consequences.  Nobody enjoys hearing their kid scream or throw a fit, but that's a sign the consequence is working.  Discipline isn't supposed to inspire joy & merriment, after all.  What you DON'T want is a defiant unfazed reaction or for them to perpetually test you, which they won't if you're consistent. 

Aside from this, children need clear boundaries and predictable consequences so they know how to obey you.  If expectations feel like a moving target, it confuses them.  You don't have to be perfect, just consistent.  Letting things slide or "picking your battles" is bad because it creates confusion for the child so get clear within yourself about what behaviors you're absolutely not willing to tolerate from them.  Everybody gets tired at times; the important thing is to create a routine you can stick to every day.  Don't let the child string out more toys than you're willing to get down on the floor to pick up & take away if they misbehave, for example.  And never make a threat you're not willing to follow through on swiftly if need be.  That's the definition of intermittent reinforcement.  Once they learn your threats are empty, they will defy you every time.  Why wouldn't they?


Here's how you do it:

1.  Give 1 clear, concise warning. 
"____ (Kid's name), we don't hit! If you hit again, I'm taking away your ___."

2.  Follow through on the warning.  
"Okay, you hit again so now I'm taking the ____." 

No apologies, no yelling or further explanation, just do it.  Do not interact excessively with them during punishment no matter how much they scream or protest.  

3.  After the discipline is over, offer a brief explanation & resume play.   
"_____ (name), you can play with your blocks again if you won't hit anymore.  Hitting hurts and makes people feel real bad, ouchie.  That's why we don't hit.  If you're needing space, ask them to please back up or tell Mommy but never hit.  Okay?  Let's go try again."

Your interaction here should be short & not feel like more punishment.  The purpose is to make sure they understand why you disciplined them and let them know the slate is clean now.  

Discipline Options That Work

Save this for AFTER the discipline part is over.

Taking away privileges or creature comforts (TV, toys, outdoor time, electronics*, etc) is great, as is sending them to their room with the door shut.  Time out in the "naughty corner" works too.  Do these for the number of minutes corresponding with their age (i.e. 6 minutes for 6-year-olds, 10 minutes for 10-year-olds, etc).  Grounding teenagers or taking away phones* or other electronics is a good option too.  No need to make a big show of it, just DO it after giving 1 warning.  Do not stand there with them in time out & talk or lecture them--just walk away & leave them to it.  When it's over, then you can explain your reasoning and comfort the child if you like.  There must be a clear distinction between the Warning, Discipline and Resuming of Normal Activity stages.  Make sure not to raise your voice while they're being disciplined as this encourages escalation.

Crying, yelling or other forms of non-destructive expression are fine while in time-out as long as they stay put.  If they trash their room while on punishment, do not force them to clean it up immediately  Instead, help them regulate their emotions & get calm first.  Make sure no sharp items are accessible & focus on calming exercises for you both like counting or deep breathing.  Yelling or forcing them to pick the things up while they're still agitated will feed into a power struggle and make things worse by increasing adrenaline.  Once they're 100% calm and the crying has stopped, let them know the mess must be cleaned up before their privileges are restored.  Do not give in on this point or the ultimate lesson will be that they can tear things up and not pick them up.  It may be the next day before it gets done, but make sure THEY do it.

If they're younger than 7, hold their hand and help them clean it up.  If they're older than 7, calmly let them know the mess is their responsibility.  If they refuse to clean or continue being destructive, they lose access to their belongings, electronics, or social activities until the space is tidied.  Never use food as a bargaining tool or "treat" as this promotes an unhealthy relationship with eating.  Stick to non-essential comforts like TV and video games, toys, outings with friends, allowance money, internet, music and other recreational things they enjoy.  All a kid really needs is a mattress with a pillow and blanket, 3 healthy meals a day, a bath, clothes, a roof over their head, medical care and transportation.  Everything else is extra and can be taken away if they don't behave properly.  Healthy discipline is more about removing privileges than adding threatening punishments like yelling, cursing, hitting or forced labor.

Never hit your child and try your best to avoid cursing or raising your voice in their presence, as these things simply don't work.  The way you behave when frustrated or angry models to your child how THEY should behave when angry, so don't be surprised if they act just like you or the other adults in their orbit.  You can preach until you're blue in the face but it's what you DO that matters.  Parents who hit raise children who hit, be it animals, other smaller kids or other adults when they grow up.  Losing your cool in front of them is bad because it encourages power struggles & continues the cycle of rage and violence.  Turning around and punishing them harshly for behaving exactly like their adult role models is not only counterproductive but abusive.  Maintain your (outward) sense of calm while following through on your warnings and you win every time.

(And of course nobody's perfect.  Every parent screws up; the important thing is sitting down with your kids after you've calmed down and letting them know you messed up and are sorry.  Tell them exactly what you did wrong, what you'd do differently next time and why it's important NOT to behave like that.  It's what you'd want them to do, right?)

｡･ﾟﾟ･ ･ﾟﾟ･｡｡･ﾟﾟ･ ･ﾟﾟ･｡｡･ﾟﾟ･ ･ﾟﾟ･｡｡･ﾟﾟ･ ･ﾟﾟ･｡｡･ﾟﾟ･ ･ﾟﾟ･｡

* Giving your kids/teens phones and other internet-connected devices is a dangerous proposition that puts them at risk of countless bad outcomes, a few of which include:  sextortion, grooming and abduction by sexual predators, cyber bullying, body image issues, online scams, reputational damage due to things they post online, targeting by dangerous drug dealers, sex trafficking, deadly "viral challenges", exposure to violent or explicit sexual content, unwanted/accidental purchases, grooming by terrorists/extremists and self-harm communities.  To name a FEW perils.

You ALWAYS have the right to say no; in fact it's your job as a parent to do so with things that endanger your child or could rob them of their innocence.  Delaying internet access as long as possible is highly advisable.   Kids can't truly consent to all the things that could happen online; most adults aren't even fully aware of the risks they face online.  If they need an internet-connected device for school, get a desktop or laptop computer with content filters and put it in the family room where you can supervise their activity.  If they need a cell phone to keep in touch with you in case of emergencies, get them a "brick phone" with calling/texting capabilities and a few games.  Their childhood will be much richer and safer, plus they won't be plagued with a shortened attention span, reading/comprehension difficulties & all the other physical, emotional, behavioral & learning difficulties caused or made worse by online devices.

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